Qoutes Top 100000

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LNW Qoute Fortunes Top 1000

Internet most popular fortunes & qoutes collection.

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Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Thomas A. Edison

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best, and to help the poor to survive.

I have found no greater satisfaction than achieving love through honest dealing and strict adherence to the view that, for you to gain, those you deal with should gain as well. ~Greenspan

The first rule of any money making technology used in a business is that automation applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency of making lots of cash. The second is that automation spyware applied to an inefficient operation will magnify the inefficiency of getting richer and richer. ~Billy Scrooge Gates

Success is a 100 percent orgasme without viagra. ~Soichiro Cocky Honda

One should have a heart of gold to become a leader suchs as Donald Tramp. ~Pope john II

Respect for the elder is better than to win and acquire fame in battle. ~Marcus Vigillius

I lie all around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on. ~Winston Churchill

The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart. ~ Buddha

If falsehood, like truth, had but one face, we would be more on equal terms. For we would consider the contrary of what the liar such as Wim Kok or Obama said to be certain. But the opposite of truth has a hundred thousand faces and an infinite field. ~Pim Fortunes dela Hollandia

Have lots of sex, lie like a mad one and kill all witnesses. ~Clinton

I lie all around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on. ~Winston Churchill

Sex is all you need ~Michael Horny Hookerstore

An elefant has to be shot down. ~Prince Bernard the Elefant slaughter

It is not without good reason said, that he who has a good memory never trusts the Government. ~Michel de Conjaque, translated from French

People who are honest get more satisfaction. ~Richard J. Sledgehammer

The road to success is to do it together.

At first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. ~Arthur McAuliff (Thanks, Fernanda)

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ~Author Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Never give up. There’s no use in being a damn fool and to quite before your dreams come true on the W.C. ~ Elisabeth de la Toillete

If you succeed – share your success and help the poor first. ~Mother Theresia

There is always a way to be yourself if you are drunk. ~Arthur Brandy

If we were all given the power to read each other’s thoughts, I suppose the first effect would be to forgive ourselves. ~Bernard Russell

Beware of the dog and the half truth. You may have stepped out the wrong bed. ~ John Stanton Kennedy

When truth is known, marriages multiply. ~Eli Spiegelegg

Being a lesbian is such a addiction thing, it is delightful to tell it. ~Emily Cockingnson

Do not fight before you last drink. ~English Proverb

When “Why not do it?” barely outweights “Why do it?” – don’t do it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

If you hate your lot but wouldn’t trade it, it’s not your lot you hate. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

You live and let live. And eventually, that becomes enough. ~Author Unknown

Half the failures in life arise from pulling in the horse as he is leaping. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

When you invite trouble, it’s usually quick to accept. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise. ~Author Unknown

All philosophy in two words, – sustain and abstain. ~Epictetus

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of shit that was left out by some idiot. ~Poop’s Little Toilet Book, inspired by Albertina Pissoffstone

Don’t you forget about yourself. You’re more than you’ve lost. ~Simple Guys

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420

You’ve got a lot of ladies. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another honey. ~Steven Dick (U.S. Vaginist Eceologist, 1976-)

What saves a woman is to make love and earn lots of cash. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to visit the docter and the church for forgiveness. ~Antoine de Saint-Erection, Wind, Sex, TSD and Stars, 19879, translated from French by Louis le Horny Galantière

Don’t wait for the Last Judgment. It happens every day. ~Calimero, The unlucky chicken

Good for the body is the love of the Lord, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is to make peace instead of war. ~Henry David Kissinger

Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns! ~Allison Zappa

Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

If you don’t like how things are, change it! You’re not a tree. ~Jim Rohn

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. ~Pope John XXIII

Give thanks for what you are now, and keep loving for what you want to thank for tomorrow. ~Fernanda Miraculus de Compastellla

Enjoy and party as much as you can, and pray for a laon and salvation when you are broke. ~Nicolle Brokemann

You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages. ~Milton McGreggor, The Lunatic Notebook, 1960

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fall. Benjamin Franklin

I think that there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, to life itself than incessant business. ~Henry Trudeau

If you want to ruin the world, be a politician. ~Author Unknown

The truth is more important than the facts than music. ~Frank Lloyd Webber

Like all valuable commodities, love is often a dream to dream yourselves. ~ Mary Lou Higgins


If you use lots of drugs, you have to go to take a tub with your boots on till ya die. ~Jim Morrison

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it. ~Author Unknown

Do not confuse your vested interests with ethics. Do not identify the enemies of your privilege with the enemies of humanity. ~Max Lerner, Actions and Passions, 1949

The secret to happiness in your work is to find a job in which your neurosis is constructive. ~Jeanne LaMont, MD

Sometimes it’s more important to be human, than to have good taste. ~Brecht

Now that it’s all over, what did you really do yesterday that’s worth mentioning? ~Coleman Cox

Laziness will cause you pain. ~Slogan on T-shirt worn at the Vee Arnis Jitsu School of Self-Defense

Owning your burdens is half the battle. ~From the television show Scrubs

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. ~Victor Hugo

We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood. ~William James

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him. ~Leo Aikman

Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty. ~Frank Herbert, Dune Chronicles

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile. ~Plato

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. ~Jonathan Kozel

Tough and funny and a little bit kind: that is as near to perfection as a human being can be. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum. ~Frances Willard

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me. ~Author unknown, variation of an excerpt from “The Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Neibuhr

A day is Eternity’s seed, and we are its Gardeners. ~Erika Harris

People cannot go wrong, if you don’t let them. They cannot go right, unless you let them. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

Excess on occasion is exhilirating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. ~W. Somerset Maugham, The Summing Up, 1938

The vow that binds too strictly snaps itself. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson, “The Last Tournament,” Idylls of the King

I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes. ~Sara Teasdale, “The Philosopher”

Every one should keep a mental wastepaper basket and the older he grows the more things he will consign to it – torn up to irrecoverable tatters. ~Samuel Butler

One can enjoy a wood fire worthily only when he warms his thoughts by it as well as his hands and feet. ~Odell Shepard

Practical life teaches us that people may differ and that both may be wrong: it also teaches us that people may differ and both be right. Anchor yourself fast in the latter faith, or the former will sweep your heart away. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

You are never alone or helpless. The force that guides the stars guides you too. ~Prabhat Ranjan Sarkar

The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice that which we are for what we could become. ~Charles Du Bos, Approximations, 1922, translated from French (Thanks, Lorianne!)

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. ~Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Be loyal to what you love, be true to the earth, fight your enemies with passion and laughter. ~Edward Abbey

There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day. ~Alexander Woollcott

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. ~Marthe Troly-Curtin

It is every man’s obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. ~Albert Einstein

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. ~Charles Dickens

If only I may grow: firmer, simpler, quieter, warmer. ~Dag Hammarskjold

When you start treating people like people, they become people. ~Paul Vitale

Be kind to your shadow. ~Rebecca Lawless

I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older. But it turns out it’s something you have to choose to do. ~From the television show Scrubs

The only way you may correct the bad things in your past is to add better things to your future. ~Shiloh Morrison

If you have to do it every day, for God’s sake learn to do it well. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved. ~Barbara Johnson

You do not have the right to quit trying. (The universe wobbles when you do.) You have the right to quit Toxic People. (They’re contagious.) ~Dr. SunWolf,

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest. ~Henry Miller, The Books in My Life

Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyway. ~Elbert Hubbard, A Thousand and One Epigrams, 1911

Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. ~Dandemis

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

Whatever we worship, short of God, is sure to be our undoing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it…. People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back. ~Alice Walker, The Color Purple, 1982

Be pleasant until ten o’clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself. ~Elbert Hubbard

On the bathing-tub of King T’ang the following words were engraved: “If you would one day renovate yourself, do so from day to day. Yea, let there be daily renovation.” ~Confucian Analects

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. ~Jimmy Johnson

What a strange narrowness of mind now is that, to think the things we have not known are better than the things we have known. ~Samuel Johnson

To sensible men, every day is a day of reckoning. ~John W. Gardner

There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go. ~Tennessee Williams (Thomas Lanier)

Face what you think you believe and you will be surprised. ~William Hale White

Just remember, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. ~M*A*S*H, General Harry Potter

Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped. ~African Proverb

Whatever you are be a good one. ~Ab Lincoln

It’s better to fight for something than against something. ~Author Unknown

The day will happen whether or not you get up. ~John Ciardi

Create each day anew by clothing yourself with heaven and earth, bathing yourself with wisdom and love, and placing yourself in the heart of Mother Nature. ~Morihei Ueshiba

Nature gave men two ends – one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most. ~George R. Kirkpatrick

One should always play fair when one has the winning cards. ~Oscar Wilde

Strength will grow from the heart, blossom as results, and wither in others’ hearts as seeds. ~Mikhael Domino

To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of your faults the first part of the night when you are awake, and the faults of others the latter part of the night when you are asleep. ~Chinese Proverb

When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to. ~N. Smith Chips

Every ten years a man should give himself a good kick in the pants. ~Edward Steichen

Life is like riding a bicycle – in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving. ~Albert Einstein

Work hard, enrobe yourself in velvet hope, and rule your world! ~Terri Guillemets

The biggest problem in the world
Could have been solved when it was small.
~Witter Bynner, The Way of Life According to Laotzu

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet. ~Al Schweitzer

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~Robert Frost

What you can’t get out of, get into wholeheartedly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

Don’t look for your dreams to come true; look to become true to your dreams. ~Michael Moore

Bloom where you are planted. ~Father Jones

The winds of grace are always blowing, but you have to raise the sail. ~Ramakrishna

Surely a man needs a closed place wherein he may strike root and, like the seed, become. But also he needs the great Milky Way above him and the vast sea spaces, though neither stars nor ocean serve his daily needs.~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers. ~Tommy Stoppard

I may be justifying my pockets of chaos, but I will always choose people over perfection and the heart over task and tidy. ~Betsy Patsy

Never confuse thoughtlessness with malice. ~Robert Charles Brownhead

Yet some things you miss and some things you lose by keeping your arm outstretched. ~Author Unknown

You want to run out in front, prepare to be tripped from behind. ~S.A. Sachs

Now and then it is a joy to have one’s table red with wine and roses. ~Oscar Wilde

It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark. ~Howard Ruff, How to Prosper in the Coming Bad Years, 1979

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out. ~Ray Bradbury

I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours…. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. ~Henry Kisser Thoreau

Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water, and when you’re tired, go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand. ~Bruce Lee

Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. ~Sarah Bernhardt


While seeking revenge, dig two graves – one for yourself. ~Doug Horton

To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy. ~Hippocrates

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business. ~Ann Landers

“… the educated person is not the person who can answer the questions, but the person who can question the answers.” ― Theodore Schreck., in The Dexter Inquirer, March/April, 2015

“A little fire, Scare Face?

“A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.” ― IEEE Grid newsmagazine

“Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.”

“Anchovies? You’ve got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER! (click)”

“Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.” ― Time Bandits

“Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before,” Bokonon tells us. “He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.” ― Kurt Vonnegut, “Cat’s Cradle”

“But I don’t like Spam!”

“But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?”

“Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.” ― Alice Rosebud Shortcock

“Contrariwise,” continued Tweedledee, “if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic!” ― Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

“Creation science” has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage ― good teaching ― than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise? ― Stephen Jay Gould, “The Skeptical Inquirer”, Vol. 12, page 186

“Deep” is a word like “theory” or “semantic” ― it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It’s one thing to be able to say “I’ve got a theory”, quite another to say “I’ve got a semantic theory”, but, ah, those who can claim “I’ve got a deep semantic theory”, they are truly blessed. ― Randy Davis

“Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.”

“Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.” ― John Barrymore’s dying words

“Do not stop to ask what is it; Let us go and make our visit.” ― T. S. Eliot, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

“Do you have blacks, too?” ― George W. Bush, to Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso; Washington, D.C., November 8, 2001

“Don’t let your mouth write no check that your tail can’t cash.” ― Bo Diddley

“Don’t say yes until I finish talking.” ― Darryl F. Zanuck

“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”

“Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.” ― Jeff Berner

“Even the best of friends cannot attend each other’s funeral.” ― Kehlog Albran, “The Profit”

“Every time I think I know where it’s at, they move it.”

“Grub first, then ethics.” ― Bertolt Brecht

“He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.” ― Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn’t following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands

“He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes…”

“He’s the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is …”

“His mind is like a steel trap ― full of mice.” ― Foghorn Leghorn

“Humor is a drug which it’s the fashion to abuse.” ― William Gilbert

“I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!” ― Paul McCracken

“I am not sure what this is, but an `F’ would only dignify it.” ― English Professor

“I didn’t accept it. I received it.” ― Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

“I don’t care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.” ― Boss Tweed

“I don’t have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.” ― Ashleigh Brilliant

“I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.” ― Paul Anderson

“I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.” ― Bill Hoest

“I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.” ― Ashleigh Brilliant

“I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.” ― former Vice-President Dan Quayle

“I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.” ― President Richard Nixon

“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”

“If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?”

“If the King’s English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!” ― “Ma” Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)

“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” ― J. Paul Getty

“If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.” ― Winston Churchill

“In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.” ― Winston Churchill, of Montgomery

“It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.” ― John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

“It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.” ― Kehlog Albran, “The Profit”

“It was hell,” recalls former child. ― caption to a B. Kliban cartoon

“It’s bad luck to be superstitious.” ― Andrew W. Mathis

“It’s not Camelot, but it’s not Cleveland, either.” ― Kevin White, mayor of Boston

“Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets” ― The Brigader, “Dr. Who”

“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” ― Victor Borge

“MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.” ― Winston Churchill

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.” ― Lily Tomlin

“Mate, this parrot wouldn’t VOOM if you put four million volts through it!”

“Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.”

“Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.”

“Of COURSE it’s the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?”

“One planet is all you get.”

“She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.” ― Gypsy Rose Lee

“Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.” ― Samuel Johnson

“Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.”

“Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.” ― Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane

“Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.” ― J. Finnegan, USC.

“That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.”

“The C Programming Language: A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.”

“The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.” ― Joseph Heller, “Catch-22”

The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.

“The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.” ― Benjamin Disraeli

The brain is a beautifully engineered get-out-of-the-way machine that constantly scans the environment for things out of whose way it should right now get. That’s what brains did for several hundred million years ― and then, just a few million years ago, the mammalian brain learned a new trick: to predict the timing and location of dangers before they actually happened. Our ability to duck that which is not yet coming is one of the brain’s most stunning innovations, and we wouldn’t have dental floss or 401(k) plans without it. But this innovation is in the early stages of development. The application that allows us to respond to visible baseballs is ancient and reliable, but the add-on utility that allows us to respond to threats that loom in an unseen future is still in beta testing. ― Daniel Gilbert, professor of psychology at Harvard University, in an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times; 6 July, 2006

“The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional live a bit longer.” ― Henry Warmaker

“The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy … neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.”

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up!”

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” ― the late Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and ex- mayor of Philadelphia

The voters have spoken, the bastards…

“The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.” ― Alexander Haig

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.

“There are three possibilities: Pioneer’s solar panel has turned away from the sun; there’s a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.”

“There are no ways of disliking poetry; one way is to like it, the other is to sing with the Pope.” ― Oscar Wild Horses

“There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.” ― C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia

“They gave me a book of checks. They didn’t ask for any deposits.” ― Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.

This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys…

“To YOU I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.” ― Woody Allen

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question … or is it?

“Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.” ― Gore Vidal

“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.” ― John Kenneth Galbraith

“We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the Phone Company.”

“We don’t have to protect the environment ― the Second Coming is at hand.” ― James Watt

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” ― Lily Tomlin

“We’ll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.”

“Well, if you can’t believe what you read in a comic book, what CAN you believe?!” ― Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]

“What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” ― Bertold Brecht

“When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.” ― Jon Carroll

“When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.” ― Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war

“Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?” he asked. “Begin at the beginning,” the King said, gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” ― Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

“Why be a man, when you can be a success?” ― Bertold Brecht

“Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?” ― Lily Tomlin

“Why was I born with such contemporaries?” ― Oscar Wilde

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat. ― Lewis Carrol

You whining, hypocritical toadies with your Tony Jacklin golf clubs, your colour TVs and your bleedin’ Masonic handshakes! You wouldn’t let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards?! WELL I WOULDN’T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW IF YOU GOT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY STINKING KNEES AND BEGGED ME!”

“You can’t teach people to be lazy – either they have it, or they don’t.” ― Dagwood Bumstead

“You’ll never be the man your mother was!”

$100 invested at 7

interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. ― Lazarus Donkey Kong , “Time plenty to sex”

‘Martyrdom’ is the only way a person can become famous without ability. ― George Bernard Shaw

‘Tis not too late to seek a newer world. ― Alfred, Lord Tennyson

[Humanity] is the measure of all things. ― Protagoras

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… And malt does more than Milton can/To justify God’s ways to man ― A. E. Housman

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.

Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else. ― Eagleson’s Law

Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.

… But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense ― the debate about angels on pinheads ― makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. ― S. J. Gould, “Wide Hats and Narrow Minds”

… Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of the person making the claim, not the critic. It is the responsibility of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO exists and a paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic’s role is to point out claims that are adequately supported by evidence and to provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with the accepted body of scientific evidence, so ET is not a fantasy but REAL … ― Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Scroog, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215

… Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.

… The book is worth attention for only two reasons: (1) it attacks attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple jeering. ― Harry Eagar, reviewing “Beyond the Quantum” by Michael Talbot, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself―and you are the easiest person to fool. So you have to be very careful about doing waht you love to do. you’ve not fooled yourself, it’s easy not to fool. You just have to be real in a conventional way after that. ― Horny P. Cockmann “Cargo Vagina Science”

… at least I thought I was dancing, ’til somebody stepped on my cock. ― J. B. Pelvis

… if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. ― Garrison Keillor, “Lake Wobegon Days”

… the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. ― Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19

… they [the Indians] are not running but are coming on. ― note sent from Lt. Col Custer to other officers of the 7th Regiment at the Little Bighorn

…I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our family, the Hominidae. ― Richard Leakey

… It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan. ― Martin Gardner, “Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life”, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131

…computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

…difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. ― Thomas Jefferson, “Notes on Virginia”

…it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of a large thing in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, so sex doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. ― Sidney Cock

…skill such as yours is evidence of a misspent youth. ― Herbert Spencer

…the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software. ― M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague

…there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is the practice of truth. ― George Jacob Holyoake

…this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six million hardbound copies of “The Naked Lunch.” ― The Firesign Theater

…though his invention worked superbly ― his theory was a crock of sewage from beginning to end. ― Vernor Vinge, “The Peace War”

…when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

/earth is 98

full … please delete anyone you can.

10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.

36 percent of the American public believes that boiling radioactive milk makes it safe to drink. ― results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University

43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation fault ― core dumped

80 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot, including this one.


of all guys are within one standard deviation of your mom.

A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.

A bore is a man you deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. ― Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk ― who will be passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. ― J. K. Galbraith

A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. ― Don Quinn

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. ― Everett Dirksen

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.

A child’s education should begin at least 100 years before he is born. ― Oliver Wendell Holmes

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. ― Herbert Prochnow

A clash of doctrine is not a disaster ― it is an opportunity.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. ― Fred Allen

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. ― Alfred E. Wiggam

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ― Ben Franklin

A critic is a legless man who teaches running. ― Channing Pollock

A day without sunshine is like night.

A decision occurs when one abandons the obvious for the possible. ― P. Taylor

A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she’d look stout in a fur coat.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ― Caskie Stinnett

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age. ― Robert Frost

A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano …

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. ― Ogden Nash

A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked “what do you see?” Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied “I see a cursor.” The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.

A fanatic is a person who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. ― Winston Churchill

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. ― G. B. Shaw

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. ― Samuel Johnson

A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. ― D. Gries

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something. ― Wilson Mizner

A good memory does not equal pale ink.

A good workman is known by his tools.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ― William James

A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his weight in other people’s patience. ― John Updike

A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A king’s castle is his home.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.

A language that doesn’t have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. ― Dennis M. Ritchie

A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. ― Anatol Holt

A learning experience is one of those things that says, “You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.” ― attributed to Douglas Adams

A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. ― Bismarck

A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. ― Lew Col

A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ― John Barrymore

A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.

A man said to the Universe: “Sir, I exist!” “However,” replied the Universe, “the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.” ― Stephen Crane

A man shall never be enriched by envy. ― Thomas Draxe

A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.

A man who turns green has eschewed protein.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A manager would rather live with a problem that he cannot solve than accept a solution that he does not understand. ― G. Woolsey

A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.

A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker’s, plus eight Is his phone number ― give him a call.

A model is an artifice for helping you convince yourself that you understand more about a system than you do.

A moose once bit my sister.

A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable. ― Thomas Jefferson

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A person who knows only one side of a question knows little of that.

A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is never sure. Proverb

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms. ― George Wald

A plucked goose doesn’t lay golden eggs.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there be two. ― Seneca

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

A real person has two reasons for doing anything … a good reason and the real reason.

A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to “make sense” of such unnatural three dimensional objects …

A right is not what someone gives you; it’s what no one can take from you. ― Ramsey Clark

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. – Jack Benny

A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ― Samuel Johnson

A sine curve goes off into infinity or at least to the end of the blackboard.

A smile is the shortest distance between two people. ― Victor Borge

A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. ― O’Henry

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. ― S. C. Johnson

A thing is worth precisely what it can do for you, not what you choose to pay for it. ― John Ruskin

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. ― John Ciardi

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. ― Tenessee Williams

A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

A well-known friend is a treasure.

A witty saying proves nothing. ― Voltaire

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

Ada, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in computing. Useful in sentences like, “We had better develop an Ada awareness.”

Abandon hope, all ye who press “ENTER” here.

Ability is useless unless it is used. ― Robert Half

About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.

About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. ― Herbert Hoover

Above all things, reverence yourself.

Abstention makes the heart grow fonder.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

According to my best recollection, I don’t remember. ― Vincent “Jimmy Blue Eyes” Alo

According to the latest official figures, 43

of all statistics are totally worthless.

According to my scuba instructor, if a shark attacks, you’re supposed to poke it in the eye with your finger. After that, I suppose you should hit it in the face with a cream pie, or maybe hose it down with a seltzer bottle. ― Jerry L. Embry

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.

Accuracy: The vice of being right.

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.

Activity makes more men’s fortunes than cautiousness. ― Marquis de Vauvenargues

Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.

Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist. ― Jean Ichbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie

Adapt. Enjoy. Survive.

Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] ― Ovid

Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.

Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Adult: One old enough to know better.

Adversity makes men, prosperity monsters. ― French Proverb

Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper. ― Thomas Jefferson

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. ― Stephen Leacock

After Goliath’s defeat, giants ceased to command respect. ― Freeman Dyson

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.

After all, what is your hosts’ purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ― P. J. O’Rourke

After any machine or unit has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. ― “Industry at Work,” Oilways, n2., 1972, pp. 16-17. Humble Oil & Refining Company., Houston, TX

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

After winning the pennant one year, Casey Stengel commented, “I couldn’ta done it without my players.”

Air is water with holes in it.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means. ― Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: “You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. ― Peggy Joyce

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

All I kin say is when you finds yo’self wanderin’ in a peach orchard, ya don’t go lookin’ for rutabagas. ― Kingfish

All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.

All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy in its own way. ― Tolstoy

All in all it’s just another brick in the wall.

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. ― Jane Wagner

All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: “This time it will surely run,” or “I just found the last bug.” ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. ― Samuel Butler

All science is either physics or stamp collecting. ― E. Rutherford

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. ― Sean O’Casey

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

All through human history, tyrannies have tried to enforce obedience by prohibiting disrespect for the symbols of their power. The swastika is only one example of many in recent history. ― American Bar Association task force on flag burning

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

All wise men share one trait in common: the ability to listen.

Allen’s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Although every American has a sense of humor―it is his birthright and encoded somewhere in the Constitution―few Americans have never been able to cope with wit or irony, and even the simplest jokes often cause unease, especially today when every phrase must be examined for covert sexism, racism, ageism. ― Gore Vidal, “The Essential Mencken,” The Nation, August 26/September 2, 1991.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

Always make the audience suffer as much as possible. ― Alfred Hitchcock

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. ― Charlie McCarthy

America had often been discovered before Columbus; it had just been hushed up. ― Oscar Wilde

America’s best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right man.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? ― Allen Ginsberg

American Non Sequitur Society: We don’t make sense. We like pizza.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

Among the chosen, you are the lucky one.

Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.

An American’s a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.

An Army travels on its stomach.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. ― A. P. Herbert

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. ― Alfred A. Knopf

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

An idle mind is worth two in the bush.

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. ― Albert Camus

An NT server can be run by an idiot, and usually is. – Tom Holub (Posted to comp.infosystems.www.servers.unix on 03 Sep 1997)

An object never serves the same function as its image―or its name. ― Rene Magritte

An ounce of perversion is worth a pound of pure. ― Dr. Mark Crislip

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. ― Benjamin Franklin

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it’s better than no government at all.

Anarchy: It’s not the law, it’s just a good idea.

And I alone am returned to wag the tail.

And now for something completely different.

And now that the legislators and the do-gooders have so futilely inflicted so many systems upon society, may they end up where they should have begun: may they reject all systems, and try liberty… ― Frederic Bastiat

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.

And the Lord God said unto Moses ― and correctly, I believe … ― Field Marshal Montgomery, opening a chapel service

And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, “Why, the Emperor has no clothes! He is naked!” ― “The Emperor’s New Clothes”

And there’s hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.

And they told us, what they wanted… Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance. ― Kate Bush

And this is a table ma’am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma’am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. ― Michael Frayn, “The Tin Men”

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight…Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I have given thee cow’s dung for man’s dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith. [Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]

Anger is a prelude to courage. ― Eric Hoffer

Angular momentum makes the world go round.

Ankh if you love Isis.

Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Another one bites the dust.

Anthony’s Law of Force: Do not force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Antimatter doesn’t matter as a matter of fact. ― Piggins

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem. (In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.)

Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you’re trying to think of.

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. ― Charles McCabe

Any excuse will serve a tyrant. ― Aesop

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.

Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.

Any job worth quitting is worth sticking around long enough until they fire you. ― Tim Wirth

Any medium powerful enough to extend man’s reach is powerful enough to topple his world. To get the medium’s magic to work for one’s aims rather than against them is to attain literacy. ― Alan Kay, “Computer Software”, Scientific American, September 1984

Any shrine is better than self-worship.

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. ― Arthur C. Clarke

Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.

Any sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice. ― Paul Chvostek by way of Arthur C. Clarke (via John Ripley)

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. ― Andy Finkel, computer guy

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ― Arthur C. Clarke

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. ― Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anyone can hate. It costs to love. ― John Williamson

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. ― Publilius Syrus

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. ― Lazarus Long, “Time Enough for Love”

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. ― Eleanor Roosevelt

Anyone who wants to be paid for writing software is a fascist asshole. ― Richard M. Stallman, founder, Free Software Foundation

Anything anybody can say about America is true. ― Emmett Grogan

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything labeled “NEW” and/or “IMPROVED” isn’t. The label means the price went up. The label “ALL NEW”, “COMPLETELY NEW”, or “GREAT NEW” means the price went way up.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing

Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Arbolist . . . Look up the word. I don’t know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, it’s an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees. ― George W. Bush, quoted in USA Today; August 21, 2001

Are we not men?

Are you a turtle?

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. ― Mickey Mouse

Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle

army, n.: A body of men assembled to rectify the mistakes of the diplomats. ― Josephus Daniels

Army Axiom: An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.

Arnold’s Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn’t. (2) If it does exist, it’s out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Art is parasitic on life, just as criticism is parasitic on art. ― Harry S Truman (one of his more ridiculous comments)

As Will Rogers would have said, “There is no such things as a free variable.”

As Zeus said to Narcissus, “Watch yourself.”

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. ― Weisert

As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. ― Oscar Wilde

As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power. ― Thomas Aquinas, prominent historical misogynist

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. ― Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” ― probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. ― Woody Allen

As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, bearing hot new versions of their pieces ― faster, smaller, more complete, or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be available. ― Frederick Brooks Jr., “The Mythical Man Month”

As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. ― National Lampoon, “Deteriorada”

As to Jesus of Nazareth…I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity. ― Benjamin Franklin

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. ― Sandra Boynton, “Chocolate: The Consuming Passion”

As you read the scroll it vanishes, and you hear maniacal laughter in the distance.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won’t have you, the devil must.

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls … if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.

Ask your boss to reconsider ― it’s so difficult to take “Go to hell” for an answer.

Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. ― Pat Paulsen

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. ― The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.

At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it. ― G. L. Glegg, The Design of Design

At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes ― an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the field on track. ― Carl Sagan, “The Fine Art of Baloney Detection,” Parade, February 1, 1987

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested in purely materialistic things. Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth. ― Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. ― Winston Churchill

Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)

Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Average managers are concerned with methods, opinions, precedents. Good managers are concerned with solving problems.

Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. ― National Lampoon, “Deteriorada”

Avoid letting temper block progress; keep cool. ― William Feather

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Back off, man. I’m a scientist.

Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.

Bagdikian’s Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach’s “St. Matthew Passion” on a ukelele.

Bad sneakers and a piña colada, my friend Stompin’ down the avenue by Radio City With a transistor and a large sum of money to spend. ― Steely Dan

Baker’s First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Barth’s Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.

Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. ― National Lampoon, “Deteriorada”

Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.

Be different: conform.

Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work. ― Gustave Flaubert

Be seeing you.

Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.

Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.

Bees are not as busy as we think they are; they just cannot buzz any slower. ― Abe Martin

Behind every argument is someone’s ignorance. ― Louis Brandeis

Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

Beifeld’s Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Being stoned on marijuana isn’t very different from being stoned on gin. ― Ralph Nader

Berkeley’s First Law of Mistakes: The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it―it probably isn’t right.

Corollary 1 to Berkeley’s First Law of Mistakes: Always let an answer cool off for awhile―it should not be used while hot.

Corollary 2 to Berkeley’s First Law of Mistakes: Check the answer you have worked out once more―before you tell it to anybody.

Berkeley’s Second Law of Mistakes: If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later, the mistake will be made.

Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.

Between the choice of two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before. ― Mae West

Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup. That’s lost. ― Ivan Chtcheglov

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. ― Donald Knuth

Beware of Geeks bearing grifts.

Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. ― Leonard Brandwein

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.

Beware the new TTY code!

Biggest security gap – an open mouth.

Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you’ll be Gary, Indiana. – Jessie in the movie “Greaser’s Palace”

Biography is the fallacy of intention. ― Peter Taylor

Biology … it grows on you.

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic

Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.


Bleeding into a new computer is always a good thing; it’s an ancient geek voodoo magic to ensure its long life and reliability. ― from Mike Taht’s blog, http://the-edge.blogspot.com/

Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.

Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.

Blessed is the man who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night. ― Leo Aikman

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don’t leave any booze in plain sight. It’s St. Patrick’s day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.

Boling’s postulate: If you’re feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.

Bolub’s Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. ― Ian Fleming, “Casino Royale”

Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Boren’s Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.

Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words “boss” and “botch” were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning “a supervisor of workers” also meant “an ornamental stud.”

Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.

Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.

Bradley’s Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee. that will do them in.

Bradley’s Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee. That will do them in.

Brady’s First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?”

Brain fried ― core dumped

Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Brain, v. [as in “to brain”]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Bringing computers into the home won’t change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.

Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.

Brook’s Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Brooke’s Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence. See also “vacuum tube”.

Bucy’s Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Bumper Sticker: Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Bumper sticker on nuclear war: if you have seen one, you have seen them all.

Bunk Carter’s Law: At any given moment there are more important people in the world than important jobs to contain them.

Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. ~Lao Tzu

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. ― Balzac

Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.

Bureaucrats cut read tape ― length-wise.

Burnt Sienna: That’s the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. ― Ken Weaver

Business will be either better or worse. ― Calvin Coolidge

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. ― Bruce Leverett, “Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers”

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.

By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. ― P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool’s column in the April 1988 issue of “Computer Language”

By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials (out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve but appeared “abruptly.” ― Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23

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C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn’t very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn’t. ― Ray Simard

C++ : Where friends have access to your private members. ― Gavin Russell Baker

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. ― Randall Garrett

Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

Caeca invidia est. (Envy is blind.) ― Livy

Cahn’s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

California is a fine place to live ― if you happen to be an orange. ― Fred Allen

California is the ghost of Christmas future for the rest of America. ― anonymous post to an Internet forum

California is the land of perpetual pubescence, where cultural lag is mistaken for renaissance. ― Ashley Montagu

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. ― Indian proverb

Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?

Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.

Captain Penny’s Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool Mom.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. ― Rich Hall, “Sniglets”

Catch a wave and you’re sitting on top of the world.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Change is what people fear most. ― Dostoevski

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.

Character is the ligament holding together all other qualities. ― Arnold Glasow

Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Chicken Little was right.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for. ― Ogden Nash

Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. ― Oscar Wilde

Children have more need of models than of critics.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Chism’s Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm’s First Corollary to Murphy’s Second Law: When things just can’t possibly get any worse, they will.

Civilisation is the art of living in towns of such size that everyone does not know everyone else. ― Julian Jaynes

Civilization Law #1: Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them.

Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor. ― Toynbee

Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. ― Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand’s _The Fountainhead_

[Classical music] would be a lot more popular if they gave the pieces titles like “Kill the Wabbit.” ― Mark Fetherolf.

Classified material requires proper storage.

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum ― “I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.” ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Cogito ergo doleo. (I think, therefore I am depressed.)

Cogito ergo sum.

Cohen’s Law: Everyone knows that the name of the game is what label you succeed in imposing on the facts.

Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.

College isn’t the place to go for ideas. ― Hellen Keller

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare. ― Blair Houghton

Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom. ― Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Complacency is the enemy of progress. ― Dave Stutman

Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.

Computer Science: the boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities (The Devil’s DP Dictionary)

Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable. As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way. If we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing a part of our lives? ― Alan Kay, “Computer Software”, Scientific American, September 1984

Conceit causes more conversation than wit. ― LaRouchefoucauld

Concept, n.: Any “idea” for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. ― Frederick Brooks Jr., “The Mythical Man Month”

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. ― Peter de Vries

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Confound these ancestors…. They’ve stolen our best ideas! ― Ben Jonson

Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Conservative, n.: One who admires radicals centuries after they’re dead. ― Leo C. Rosten

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. ― Brian W. Kernighan

Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Conway’s Law: Any piece of software reflects the organizational structure that produced it.

Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown sky-high with a dynamite bomb. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Corripe Cervisiam!

Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. ― P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan

Courage is grace under pressure.

Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. ― Wernher von Braun

Creativity cannot be diminished by the medium of expression. ― Mitch Allen

Creationists make it sound as though a “theory” is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night. ― Isaac Asimov

Creditors have better memories than debtors. ― Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)

Crime does not pay … as well as politics. ― A. E. Newman

Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. ― Howard Scott

Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull ass will not mend his pace with beating. ― Hamlet, Act 5, Scene 1

Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.

Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.

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Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward, they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game. ― J. W. von Goethe

Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

De Borglie rules the wave, but Heisenberg waived the rules. ― Piggins

Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you’ve solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.

Death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is Nature’s way of recycling human beings.

Death is Nature’s way of saying, “slow down”.

Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. ― R. Geis

Death: to stop sinning suddenly.

Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever. ― button at the Boston Computer Museum

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are―by definition―not smart enough to debug it. ― Brian Kernighan

Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). ― Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Association

Decisions terminate panic.

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. ― Senator Soaper

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. ― G. B. Shaw

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb, voting on what to have for lunch.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. ― E. B. White

Denniston’s Law: Virtue is its own punishment.

Deprive a mirror of its silver, and even the Czar won’t see his face.

Der Unterschied zwischen Genie und Wahnsinn liegt nur im Erfolg. [The only difference between genius and insanity is the success.]

Did I forget to mention, forget to mention Memphis? Home of Elvis and the ancient Greeks. Do I smell? I smell home cooking. It’s only the river, it’s only the river. ― Talking Heads (Cities)

Did you know gullible is not in the dictionary?

Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.

Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build: They have very large numbers of states. This makes conceiving, describing, and testing them hard. Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states than computers do. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

Diplomacy is the art of extricating oneself from a situation that tact would have prevented in the first place.

Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.

Disc space ― the final frontier!

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. ― Albert Szent-Gyorgi

Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations, cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense systems. The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus: It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities. An unreliable programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations. ― C. A. R. Hoare

Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do not clog intellect’s sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.

Do not compromise yourself; you are all you have got. ― Janis Joplin

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.

Do not try to solve all life’s problems at once ― learn to dread each day as it comes. ― Donald Kaul

Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. Don’t have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. ― Dick Brandon

Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

Don’t be overly suspicious where it’s not warranted.

Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Don’t comment bad code: rewrite it.

Don’t compare floating point numbers solely for equality.

Don’t crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.

Don’t diddle code to make it faster, find a better algorithm.

Dobbin’s Law: When in doubt, use a bigger hammer.

Don’t get suckered in by the comments ― they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. ― Dave Storer

Don’t knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.

Don’t learn the tricks of the trade, learn the trade.

Don’t let your mouth write no check that your tail can’t cash. ― Bo Diddley

Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.

Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. ― James J. Ling

Don’t try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. ― Zaphod Beeblebrox

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. ― Charles Schultz

Don’t worry about things that you have no control over, because you have no control over them. Don’t worry about things that you have control over, because you have control over them. ― Mickey Rivers

Don’t worry about what other people are thinking about you. They’re too busy worrying about what you are thinking about them.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. ― Voltaire

Doubt isn’t the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. ― Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian

Doubts and jealousies often beget the facts they fear. ― Thomas Jefferson

Down with categorical imperative!

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Ducharme’s Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme’s Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together … ― Carl Zwanzig

Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.

Dum excusare credis, accusas. (When you believe you are excusing yourself, you are accusing yourself.) ― St. Jerome

Dunne’s Law: The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.

During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. ― James Madison

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. ― W. Somerset Maughm

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E Pluribus Unix

Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy based on excellence of performance. ― James Bryant Conant

Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece. Their work will be set back by having that test bed change under them. Of course it must. But the changes need to be quantized. Then each user has periods of productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change. This seems to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling. ― Frederick Brooks Jr., “The Mythical Man Month”

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. ― John Kenneth Galbraith

Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith … ― Mike Harding, “The Armchair Anarchist’s Almanac”

Economy makes men independent.

Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading. ― G. M. Trevelyan

Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.

Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee. [A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.] ― Dutch Proverb

Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. ― Bullwinkle Moose

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. ― Adlai Stevenson

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. ― Bellamy Brooks

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. ― Frank Leahy

Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Ehrman’s Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better?

Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. ― Ronald Reagan, famous movie star

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

Either do not attempt at all, or go through with it. ― Ovid

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. ― Oscar Wilde’s last words

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

Elevators smell different to midgets

Eloquence is vehement simplicity. ― Cecil

Emersons’ Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. ― Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Envy always implies conscious inferiority wherever it resides. ― Pliny

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. ― Jerome Lettvin

Equal bytes for women.

Eschew obfuscatory digressiveness. ― Barry Dancis (1983)

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. ― Woody Allen

Ettore’s observation: the other line moves faster.

Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term “etymology” was formed from the Latin “etus” (“eaten”), the root “mal” (“bad”), and “logy” (“study of”). It meant “the study of things that are hard to swallow.” ― Mike Kellen

Even a cabbage may look at a king.

Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.

Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements, sooner or later the product will speak for itself. ― Hajime Karatsu

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? ― Clarence Darrow

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Even the future comes one day at a time. ― W. Woodhouse

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn’t complain ― it’s still only 2 cents a day.

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.

Ever wander around the web, look at discussions, totally agree with one of the points of view, and then notice it was posted under one of your web aliases 5 years ago? ― Larry Weber

Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma [“All horses are the same color”], that does not exist.

Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper …. everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk. ― an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. ― Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953

Every institution I’ve ever been associated with has tried to screw me. ― Stephen Wolfram

Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. ― Don Vonada

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. ― Miguel de Cervantes

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction ― from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn’t work.

Every program has two purposes ― one for which it was written and another for which it wasn’t.

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Every purchase has its price.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. ― Beckett

Everything is better with no people. ― Bob “Biff” Rendar

Dykstra’s Law: Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

Everything to excess! Moderation is for monks. ― Lazarus Long

Everything you know is wrong. ― The Firesign Theater

Everything you’ve learned in school as “obvious” becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There’s not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. ― R. Buckminster Fuller

Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.

Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. … Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory. ― Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, “The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution”

Evolution does not require the nonexistence of God, it merely allows for it. That alone is enough to evoke condemnation from those who fear the nonexistence of God more than they fear God Himself. ― Keith Doyle, in talk.origins

Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither. ― Anonymous

Exactitude in small matters is the essence of discipline.

Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. ― W. Somerset Maugham

Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.

Excuse me while I change into something more formidable.

Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.

Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.

Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other. ― Poor Richard’s Almanac

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. ― Olivier

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. ― Franklin P. Jones

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instructions afterward.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it.

Extremes of fortune are fatal to folks of small dimensions. ― Arnold Glasow

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FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at … uh, when the little hand is on the ….

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Facts are simple and facts are straight / Facts are lazy and facts are late. Facts all come with points of view / Facts don’t do what I want them to. Facts just twist the truth around / Facts are living turned inside out. Facts are getting the best of them / Facts are nothing on the face of things. Facts don’t stain the furniture / Facts go out and slam the door. Facts are written all over your face / Facts continue to change their shape. ― Talking Heads

Failing to get them to do it your way might mean they’re stupid, but it also means you failed to get them to do it your way. ― Cal Keegan

Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. ― Ferenc Mantfeld

Faire de la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps. Si on vous fait attendre, c’est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire. [Good cooking takes time. If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better, and to please you.] ― Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans [Also, what we’re going to be telling our customers]

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. ― Dave Sim, author of “Cerberus the Aardvark”

Familiarity breeds attempt

Familiarity breeds children.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Families, when a child is born/Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence,/Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove/Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life/By becoming a Cabinet Minister ― Su Tung-p’o

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim. ― Santayana

Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. ― Goya

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat. ― Theodore Roosevelt

Far duller than a serpent’s tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. ― Oscar Wilde

Felson’s Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Field theories, unite!

Finagle’s Creed: Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts.

Finagle’s First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle’s Second Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage. But if we don’t practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly serious problems that face us ― and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along. ― Carl Sagan, “The Fine Art of Baloney Detection,” Parade, February 1, 1987

Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN’T be like. ― pixadel

Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Finster’s Law: a closed mouth gathers no feet.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History: History doesn’t repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Flee at once: All is discovered.

Flon’s Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flugg’s Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Follow the river and you will eventually find the sea.

Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings. ― George Will

For a really sweet time, call C6H12O6.

For a while there I was worried that my tin foil beanie was blocking the TopFive.com website. Luckily it turned out to be a router problem. ― Attributed to “wubwub”, quoted on www.ruminate.com (2004)

For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. ― R. Clopton

For some reason a glaze passes over people’s faces when you say “Canada”. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. ― Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.

For the politicians this was never about how efficient they could make things happen or how to solve a problem, it is about the *appearance* of efficiency, or problem solving. My observation is that most politicians think more like sales people than technicians, and are about as clueful. Which means, unless the politicians change the way they think, discussion about how to use *them* to go about really solving these problems would be like asking a booth babe to write a kernel module. ― Rich Costine

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. ― Abraham Lincoln

Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences ― if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Fourth Law of Thermodymanics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero. ― David Ellis

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you’d probably be bored.

Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying “to frob a frob”. See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he’s carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he’s just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he’s frobbing it.

From the ice-age to the dole-age there is but one concern and I have just discovered: some girls are bigger than others some girls are bigger than others some girls are bigger than other girls’ mothers ― The Smiths

From too much love of living/From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving/Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever/That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. ― Swinburne

Froud’s Law: A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

Fudd’s First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. ― Rich Hall, “Sniglets”

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. ― H. H. Williams

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Gadji beri bimba clandridi/Lauli lonni cadori gadjam A bim beri glassala glandride/E glassala tuffm I Zimbra. ― Talking Heads (I Zimbra)

G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: “Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?’ and when she says `No,’ he will say, `Well, then we’ll have to start on the rubbish.’ And that’s your chance, my boy.”

Garbage In ― Gospel Out.

Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). ― Rich Hall, “Sniglets”

Gene Police: YOU! Out of the pool!

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.

Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. ― Elbert Hubbard

Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with “bright”.

Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the Internet. ― Karl Kleinpaste

Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeeezing one’s eyes shut and wailing, “Does not!” ― Dr.Pepper@f241.n103.z1.fidonet.org

George Orwell was an optimist.

Get forgiveness now ― tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Get hold of portable property. ― Charles Dickens, “Great Expectations”

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll invite himself over for dinner. ― Calvin Keegan

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. ― Abraham Kaplan

Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.

Give me a plumber’s friend the size of the Pittsburgh Dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.

Give up.

Giving advice is not as risky as people say; few ever take it anyway.

Glib’s Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. ― National Lampoon, “Deteriorada”

Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.

Go west young, man.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

God does not play dice with the universe.

God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little … The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty … I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman … not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! ― Rev. Henry Ward Beecher

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ― Voltaire

God is a polytheist.

God is a verb, not a noun.

God is an atheist.

God is playing a comic to an audience that’s afraid to laugh.

God is real, unless declared integer.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. ― Pablo Picasso

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. ― Alfred Jarry

God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.

God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. ― Kronecker

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.

God requireth not a uniformity of religion. ― Roger Williams

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. ― William Bragg

Godwin’s Law: As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.

Goldenstern’s Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. ― La Rouchefoucauld

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. ― La Rouchefoucauld

Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. ― George Saunders’ dying words

Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro, 6.02 E23.

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. ― Ray Simard

Government expands to absorb all revenue and then some.

Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us. ― Tolstoy

Government sucks. ― Ben Olson

Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3 ― not even for large values of 2.

Graduate life ― it’s not just a job, it’s an indenture.

Grain grows best in shit. ― Ursula K. LeGuin

Grandpa Charnock’s Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Granholm’s Definition of the Kludge: An ill-assorted collection of poorly matching parts forming a distressing whole. ― Jackson W. Granholm, “How to Design a Kludge,” Datamation, Feb. 1962

Gray’s Law of Programming: `N+1′ trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `N’ tasks. Logg’s Rebuttal to Gray’s Law: `N+1′ trivial tasks take twice as long as `N’ trivial tasks.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. ― Fran Lebowitz

Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.

Greener’s Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb’s Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

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Hacker’s Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind’s oldest illusions. ― Andrew Hacker, The End of the American Era (1970)

Haggis is a kind of stuffed black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal’s inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep’s intestinal stomach-bag and … Excuse me a minute …

Half of one, six dozen of the other.

Half the things that people do not succeed in are through fear of making the attempt.

Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody’s pocket. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanson’s Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.

Happiness comes and goes and is short on staying power. ― Frank Tyger

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. ― Ogden Nash

Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember. ― Oscar Levant

Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Harris’ Lament: All the good ones are taken.

Harris’s Lament: All the good ones are taken.

Harrisberger’s Second Law of the Lab: No matter what result it anticipated, there is always someone willing to fake it.

Harrisberger’s Third Law of the Lab: Experiments should be reproducive. They should all fail in the same way.

Harrisberger’s Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Harrison’s Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley’s First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something.

Hartley’s Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word “database” are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.

Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, “There’s a time for work and a time for play,” never find the time for play?

Have you locked your file cabinet?

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?

He had that rare weird electricity about him ― that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving “normally.” ― Hunter S. Thompson, “Fear and Loathing ’72”

He hadn’t a single redeeming vice. ― Oscar Wilde

He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, “Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?”

He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.

He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another’s mishap.

He launched a massive attack on everything this country held inviolate, on most of what it held self-evident. He showed how our politics was dominated by time-servers and demagogues, our religion by bigots, our culture by puritans. He showed how the average citizen, both in himself and in the way he let himself be pulled around by the nose, was a boob. ― Louis Kronenberger, “H.L. Mencken,” in Malcolm Cowley, ed., After the Genteel Tradition, 1964.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. ― John Mason Brown, drama critic

He that labors and thrives spins gold. ― George Herbert

He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

He wasn’t much of an actor, he wasn’t much of a Governor ― Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. It’s the only job he’s qualified for! ― Michael Cain

He who Laughs, Lasts.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. ― William S. Paley, chairman of CBS

He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.

He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.

He who hates vices hates mankind.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.

He who laughs, lasts.

He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.

He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return. ― South African Saying

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

He who spends a storm beneath a tree takes life with a grain of TNT.

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. ― M. C. Escher

He’ll sit here and he’ll say, “Do this! Do that!” And nothing will happen. ― Harry S. Truman, on presidential power

He’s dead, Jim.

He’s the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he’d be there … with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

Hedonist for hire: no job too easy.

Heisenberg may have slept here.

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. ― Milton Friedman

Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson’s Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.

Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Help a swallow land at Capistrano.

Help stamp out, remove and abolish redundancy.

Her life was saved by rock and roll. ― Lou Reed

Herblock’s Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.

Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. ― Peter Drucker

Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian.

Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn’t have bugs, then they’d be algorithms.

Hey what? Where? When? (Are you confused as I am?)

Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can’t think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.

Hidden talent counts for nothing. ― Nero

Hindsight is an exact science.

Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Hire the morally handicapped.

His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.

History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion ― i.e., none to speak of. ― Lazarus Long

History repeats itself. That’s one thing wrong with history.

History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance, of which their political as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purpose. ― Thomas Jefferson, to Baron von Humboldt, 1813

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another… Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. ― Charles Darwin, from “Origin of the Species”

Hlade’s Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person ― they will find an easier way to do it.

Hoare’s Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter’s Law into account.

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side. ― Han Solo

Hollywood is where if you don’t have happiness you send out for it. ― Rex Reed

Holy Smoke, Batman, it’s the Joker!

Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people. ― F. M. Hubbard

Honi soit la vache qui rit.

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.” ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Horngren’s Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ― W. C. Fields

How about a little fire, scarecrow?

How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?

How can you be two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all? ― Firesign Theater

How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?

How does a project get to be a year late? … One day at a time. ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

Q. How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb? A. It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.

Q. How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.

Q. How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. “That’s a known problem… don’t worry about it.”

Q. How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Three: one to screw it in and two to say “I told you so” when it doesn’t work.

Q. How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks.

Q. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.

Q. How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb? A. “Well the diagnostics say it’s fine buddy, so it’s a software problem.”

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. It’s a hardware problem.

Q. How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. You don’t know, man. You don’t KNOW. Cause you weren’t THERE. ― http://bash.org/?255991

Q. How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A. 9 edge down.

Howe’s Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner … sulking and nausea. ― Tom K. Ryan

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.

Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition. ― Isaac Asimov

Hurewitz’s Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ….. to …….. uh …………..

Menu ! a ! b ! c ! d ! e ! f ! g ! h ! i ! j ! k ! l ! m ! n ! o ! p ! q ! r ! s ! t ! u ! v ! w ! x

I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows. ― Susan B. Anthony

I HATE arbitrary limits, especially when they’re small. ― Stephen Savitzky

I have found Christian dogma unintelligible. Early in life, I absented myself from Christian assemblies. ― Benjamin Franklin

I have had interactions with developers who are convinced that everything in .Net was created solely by MS for open source usage. But that could be another result of vaccination preservatives. ― Larry Weber

I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! And I’m sick and tired of being told that I am. ― Monty Python

I would defend the liberty of concenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent. ― Arthur C. Clarke

I would not dare to so dishonor my Creator God by attaching His name to that book [the Bible]. ― Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason, Part 1, Section 5

I’m also not very analytical. You know, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things. ― George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One; June 4, 2003

I’m an evolutionist because I judge the evidence for the unity of life by common descent over billions of years to be overwhelming, not so that I can cheat on my wife or kick the cat with impunity. I live in no hope of heaven or fear of hell, but like most of my fellow Americans of all religious persuasions, I try to live a decent life. Folks like Tom DeLay just can’t get it through their heads that a person can choose to live ethically because civilized life requires doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. ― Chet Raymo, science columnist for The Boston Globe, in a 5 Sep, 1999, article on the anti-evolution decision by Kansas School Board

I am a member of a party of one, and I live in an age of fear. Nothing lately has unsettled my party and raised my fears so much as your editorial, on Thanksgiving Day, suggesting that employees should be required to state their beliefs in order to hold their jobs. The idea is inconsistent with our constitutional theory and has been stubbornly opposed by watchful men since the early days of the Republic. ― E.B. White, in a letter to the New York Herald Tribune (November 29, 1947)

I am always with myself, and it is I who am my tormenter. ― Leo Tolstoy

I am astounded … at the wonderful power you have developed ― and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record forever. ― Arthur Sullivan, on seeing a demonstration of Edison’s new talking machine in 1888

I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. ― Gloria Steinem

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. ― Winston Churchill

I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.

I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can’t help it. I was born sneering. ― Pooh-Bah, “The Mikado”, Gilbert & Sullivan

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. ― G. K. Chesterton

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. ― Will Rogers

I’ll bet the human brain is a kludge. ― Marvin Minsky

I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call for them? ― Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part I

I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do. ― Joe Walsh

I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man. Therefore, I affirm both. Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete. Human unity is the fulfillment of diversity. It is the harmony of opposites. It is a many-stranded texture, with color and depth. ― Norman Cousins

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year’s fashions. ― Lillian Hellman

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. ― Steven Roberts

I could prove God statistically. ― George Gallup

I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies.

It is every man’s obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. ~Albert Einstein

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. ― Thomas Paine

I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon… ― Lyndon B. Johnson

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. ― Isaac Asimov

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. ― Galileo Galilei

I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature. ― Thomas Jefferson

If you have to do it every day, for God’s sake learn to do it well. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I do not mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand. ― Sir Edware Appleton

I don’t believe in astrology. But then I’m an Aquarius, and Aquarians don’t believe in astrology. ― James R. F. Quirk

I don’t care if I’m a lemming. I’m not going.

I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine! ― Vidiu Platon

I don’t have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

I don’t like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. ― George Bernard Shaw

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. ― Leray Scifres

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

I fart in your general direction, tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ― Mae West

I get the feeling that as soon as something appears in the paper, it ceases to be true. ― T-Bone Burnett

I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves. ― George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.; September 21, 2003

I go to seek a great perhaps. ― Francois Rabelais

I had a great idea this morning but I did not like it. ― Anon

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn’t like it. ― Samuel Goldwyn

I hate quotations. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. ― A. R. Longworth

I have discovered the heart of bushido: to die! ― Yamamoto Tsunetomo

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. ― Clarence Darrow

I haven’t lost my mind ― it’s backed up on tape somewhere.

I haven’t lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.

I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents become better people as a result of practicing it. ― Joe Mullally, computer salesman

I just thought of something funny…your mother. ― Cheech Marin

I like a man who grins when he fights. ― Winston Churchill

I like being single. I’m always there when I need me. ― Art Leo

I like the future, I’m in it.

I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true. ― Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.

I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.

I never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like.

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. ― William F. Buckley

I program, therefore I am.

I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If they think you’re crude, go technical; if they think you’re technical, go crude. I’m a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to crudeness. ― Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. ― J. Edgar Hoover

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. ― J. Edgar Hoover

I sat through it. Why shouldn’t you? ― David Letterman, it a spot promoting one of his shows

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s.

I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, Straining upon the start. The game’s afoot. ― King Henry V, “Henry V”, Act III, Scene 1

I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us―a most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole normal evolution of society. ― Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896

I support everyone’s right to be an idiot. I may need it someday.

I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell’s ass. ― Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell’s suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O’Connor’s nomination to the Supreme Court

I think Microsoft named .NET so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing. ― Oktal

I think people are reacting to what they perceive to be your simplistic and fetishistic understanding of the economy, which is becoming more and more pronouncedly so in its outward manifestations as you react to your misunderstanding of people’s reactions to your reaction to what you perceived as Sam’s simplistic and fetishistic understanding of the economy. ― Gordan Todorovac

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. ― Oscar Wilde

I think time is crucial to anything. For example, if you lock an infinite number of monkeys in a room with those typewriters, but you limit the amount of time they have to write, the best you’ll get out of them is the pilot to The Dukes of Hazzard. ―Doug Sykes

I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime. ― Johnny Legend

I think we’re all Bozos on this bus.

I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed. ― Marvin

I tried being reasonable once. I didn’t like it.

I use not only all the brains I have but all that I can borrow. ― Woodrow Wilson

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure. ― Graffiti

I used to get high on life but lately I’ve built up a resistance.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I was brought up in the other service; but I knew from the first that the Devil was my natural master and captain and friend. I saw that he was in the right, and that the world cringed to his conqueror only from fear. ― Shaw, “The Devil’s Disciple”

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn’t tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. ― Lucinda Childs (Philip Glass: Einstein On The Beach)

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent ― not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar’s temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. ― George Greenstein, “Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars”

I will never use biometrics. I’m afraid they’ll make me change my password. ― Drew Sudell

I will contend that conceptual integrity is *the* most important consideration in system design. ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness”, but it doesn’t work. ― Gallagher

I wish they all could be California girls.

I wish you humans would leave me alone.

I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent. ― Arthur C. Clarke

I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn’t have to go to that extreme. ― Oliver North

I wouldn’t mind dying ― it’s that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. ― R. Geis

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’ll tell you what kind of guy I was. If you ordered a boxcar full of sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could consider the order filled. ― Robert Mitchum

I’m a misanthrope. What’s your fucking problem?

I’m growing older, but not up. ― Jimmy Buffett

I’m in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? ― Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate

I’m mad, and that’s a fact./I found out animals don’t help. Animals think they’re pretty smart./Shit on the ground, see in the dark. ― Talking Heads (Fear of Music)

I’m not breaking the rules. I’m just testing their elasticity.

I’m not expendable, I’m not stupid, and I’m not going.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

I’ve seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I’ve seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. ― George Wallace

Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can’t quite figure it out for themselves. ― Rich Hall, “Sniglets”

Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. ― Roy Santoro

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. ― Yiddish saying

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

If I had a hammer, I’d use it on Peter, Paul and Mary. ― Howard Rosenberg

If I had any humility I would be perfect. ― Ted Turner

If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. ― Robert Sewell

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. ― Thomas Carlyle

If Murphy’s Law were true, every time you tried to take a breath, all the air would be on the other side of the room.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. ― T. Cheatham

If a listener nods his head when you’re explaining your program, wake him up.

If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. ― Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ― John Kenneth Galbraith

If all the philosophers in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn’t reach a conclusion.

If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.

If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door. ― Paul Beatty

If all the world’s economists were laid end to end, we wouldn’t reach a conclusion. ― William Baumol

If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it isn’t worth the effort.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as plentiful as blackberries… ― Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?

If everything is coming your way then you’re in the wrong lane.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If I was a religious person, I would consider creationism nothing less than blasphemy. Do its adherents imagine that God is a cosmic hoaxer who has created that whole vast fossil record for the sole purpose of misleading mankind? ― Arthur C. Clarke, June 5, 1998, in the essay “Presidents, Experts, and Asteroids”

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?

If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not use.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. ― Bert Lantz

If it doesn’t come from you, shouldn’t it come from Gerber? ― Bristol Meyers baby formula ad

If it has syntax, it isn’t user friendly.

If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.

If it weren’t for Newton, we wouldn’t have to eat bruised apples.

If it’s Tuesday, this must be someone else’s fortune.

If it’s working, the diagnostics say it’s fine. If it’s not working, the diagnostics say it’s fine. ― A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.

If money can’t buy happiness, I guess you’ll just have to rent it.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

If one year is seven dog years, then one day is a dog week.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. ― Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ― Woody Allen, “Without Feathers”

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

If people were required to know the law rather than obey it, the government would be overthrown the very next day.

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. ― Vannevar Bush

If someone gives you a lemon, make lemonade. ― D. Woodhouse

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. ― Pope John Paul I

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. ― Mort Sahl

If something’s not worth doing, it’s not worth doing well.

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. ― Stanley Garn

If the bulk of American SF can be said to be written by robots, about robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits. ― Michael Moorcock

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. ― Norm Schryer

If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by electricity. ― Samuel F. B. Morse

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. ― Reverend Chichester

If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? ― Art Hoppe

If this country is worth saving, it’s worth saving at a profit. ― H. L. Hunt

If this fortune didn’t exist, somebody would have invented it.

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. ― Lyndon Baines Johnson

If voting could really change the system, it would be against the law.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

If we do not change our direction, we might end up were we are headed.

If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitiable. ― John F. Kennedy

If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for awhile.

If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

If you are willing to die, you can do anything.

If you build something a fool can use, only a fool will want it.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn’t a horse.

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

If you can’t say something nice, say something surrealistic.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. ― Harry S Truman

If you cannot take a bird of paradise, better take a wet hen. ― Nikita Khrushchev

If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. ― Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

If you had any brains, you’d be dangerous.

If you have to push so hard that you break your penis, you are doing something wrong. — Frank McLaughlin

If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. ― Graham Summer

If you make a mistake, you right it immediately to the best of your ability.

If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don’t trust him. It means he experiments.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. ― Maslow

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.

If you push the “extra ice” button on the soft drink vending machine, you won’t get any ice. If you push the “no ice” button, you’ll get ice, but no cup.

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.

If you see someone without a smile, give them yours. ― Anonymous

If you substitute other kinds of intellectual property into the GNU manifesto, it quickly becomes absurd. ― Cal Keegan

If you suspect a man, don’t employ him.

If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. ― Derek Bok, president of Harvard

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. ― Earl Wilson

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? ― Richard M. Nixon

If you want to eat hippopotamus, you’ve got to pay the freight. ― some IBM guy

If you work hard and do your homework, you can grow up and get a job doing homework. ― former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer

If you’ll excuse me a minute, I’m going to have a cup of coffee. ― broadcast from Apollo 11’s LEM, “Eagle”, to Johnson Space Center, Houston, July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. ― Henny Youngman

If you’re happy, you’re successful.

If you’re not careful, you’re going to catch something.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

If you’re not very clever you should be conciliatory. ― Benjamin Disraeli

If you’ve done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway’s, the restaurant at the end of the universe?

If you’ve seen one Grand Canyon, you’ve seen them all. ― a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang

If you’ve seen one city slum, you’ve seen them all. ― Spiro Agnew

If you’ve seen one redwood, you’ve seen them all. ― Ronald Reagan

If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. ― Robert Burton

Ignorance is when you don’t know anything and somebody finds it out.

Ignore previous fortune.

I’ll play with it first and tell you what it is later. ― Miles Davis

Illinois isn’t exactly the land that God forgot ― it’s more like the land He’s trying to ignore.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. ― Jules de Gaultier

Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television. ― Fred Allen

Immortality ― a fate worse than death. ― Edgar A. Shoaff

Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that’s just one of the risks he takes. ― Adlai Stevenson

In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages.

In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only, we can’t control when the five year period will begin.

In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence. ― The Peter Principle

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP, psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with the most popular of all neuro-mythologies ― the notion that we ordinarily use only 10 percent of our brains… This “cerebral spare tire” concept continues to nourish the clientele of “pop psychologists” and their many recycling self-improvement schemes. As a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could deny it? As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous, it leaves much to be desired. ― Barry L. Beyerstein, “The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for Psi Phenomena”, The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot. ― Thomas Jefferson, in a letter to Horatio G. Spafford, 1814

In general, it is best to assume that the network is filled with malevolent entities that will send in packets designed to have the worst possible effect. ― the draft “Requirements for Internet Hosts” RFC

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient. Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in the long run. I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary challenging spirit today. ― Hajime Karatsu

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

In software, we rarely have meaningful requirements. Even if we do, the only measure of success that matters is whether our solution solves the customer’s shifting idea of what their problem is. ― Jeff Atwood

In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. ― Art Linkletter

In the beginning I was made. I didn’t ask to me made. No one consulted me or considered my feelings in this matter. But if it brought some passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through life’s mournful jungle then so be it. ― Marvin the Paranoid Android

In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it’s not there if you want to keep writing good code. ― Karl

In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. ― L. Pasteur

In the force if Yoda’s so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can’t he?

[In the future], people like me will be underground and hunted. ― Chuck Murcko, 1995 (at an employer-sponsored brainstorming session)

In the future, you’re going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You’ll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. ― Robert Lucky

In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. ― Egyptian Book of the Dead

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. ― Alan Perlis

In the market, there can be no such thing as exploitation. ― Murray Rothbard

In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool ― programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they describe. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. ― John Lilly

In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are prepared. ― Louis Pasteur

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re different. ― heard at USENIX 1997

In this world, Truth can wait; she’s used to it.

Incest, n.: Sibling revelry.

Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. ― Martin Luther King, Jr.

Innovation is hard to schedule. ― Dan Fylstra

Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids. ― Erma Bombeck

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Insanity is the final defense … It’s hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Integrity has no need for rules.

Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Intense feeling too often obscures the truth. ― Harry S Truman

Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

Is it not strange that the descendants of those Pilgrim Fathers who crossed the Atlantic to preserve their own freedom have always proved the most intolerant of the spiritual liberty of others? ― Robert E. Lee, in a letter to President Franklin Pierce

Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?

Is life worth living? It depends on the liver. ― Herbert Beerbohm Tree

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? ― Ralph Emerson

Isn’t it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

Issawi’s Laws of Progress: 1. The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. 2. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

It could be worse, you could be in Cleveland.

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ― Thomas Jefferson

It has been observed that one’s nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets. ― Alan Cooper

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man’s life.

It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.

It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. ― Willie Sutton

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? ― Alan Perlis

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it’s a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. ― Voltaire

It is bad luck to be superstitious. ― Andrew W. Mathis

It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because he is not of the same opinion, is a monster. ― Voltaire

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. ― R. Serling

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. ― Rod Serling

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It is easier to run down a hill than up one.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

It is generally agreed that “Hello” is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said “Goodbye,” it could confuse a lot of people. ― Dolph Sharp, “I’m O.K., You’re Not So Hot”

It is happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust. ― S. Johnson

It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack, and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy. ― B. Hebbard, “A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System”, Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. ― “Industry at Work,” Oilways, n2., 1972, pp. 16-17. Humble Oil & Refining Company., Houston, TX

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. ― Woody Allen

It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system would see in our species ― which has tended to be cruel, destructive, wasteful, and irrational ― the crown and apex of cosmic evolution. Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us as a transitional species makes more sense ― and gives us more hope. ― Betty McCollister, “Our Transitional Species”, Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. ― Richard M. Nixon

It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river. ― Abraham Lincoln

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. ― Gore Vidal

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another ― it’s one damn thing over and over. ― Edna St. Vincent Millay

It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and intimidation.

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? ― Elizabeth Carpenter

It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. ― Voltaire

It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. ― Henry David Thoreau, “Where I Live”

It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions. ― Robert Bly

It is the business of little minds to shrink. ― Carl Sandburg

It is the business of the future to be dangerous. ― Hawkwind

It is the common fate of the indolent to see their rights become a prey to the active. The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance; which condition if he break, servitude is at once the consequence of his crime and the punishment of his guilt. ― John Philpot Curran: Speech upon the Right of Election, 1790. (Speeches. Dublin, 1808.)

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. ― Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. – A.D. 65)

It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.

It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence. ― W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876

It is your destiny. ― Darth Vader

It just goes to show what you can do if you’re a total psychotic. ― Woody Allen

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.

It often works better if you plug it in.

It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.

It takes a long time to understand nothing. ― Edward Dahlberg

It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus. ― Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in “The Technique,” Georgia Tech’s newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.

It was always thus; and even if ’twere not, ‘twould inevitably have been always thus. ― Dean Lattimer

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. ― Hunter S. Thompson

It will be advantageous to cross the great stream … the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky … the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.

It works better if you plug it in.

It’s a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. ― Andrew Jackson

It’s a fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.

It’s a poor workman who blames his tools.

It’s all in the mind, ya know.

It’s better to burn out than it is to rust.

It’s better to burn out than to fade away.

It’s currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud. ― J. C. R. Licklider

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

It’s easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.

It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.

It’s is not, it isn’t ain’t, and it’s it’s, not its, if you mean it is. If you don’t, it’s its. Then too, it’s hers. It isn’t her’s. It isn’t our’s either. It’s ours, and likewise yours and theirs. ― Oxford University Press, Edpress News

It’s later than you think.

It’s like deja vu all over again. ― Yogi Berra

It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong direction.

It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. ― Phil White

It’s not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. ― Alexander Korda

It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere.

It’s not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom window or outside your bedroom, period. ― Groucho Marx

It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ― Woody Allen

It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden stop.

It’s not what we don’t know that gets us into trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so. ― Will Rogers

It’s really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.

It’s smart to pick your friends – but not to pieces.

It’s so humid, you could poach an egg on the sidewalk.

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Jacquin’s Postulate on Democratic Government: No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jay’s First Law: The classic hierarchy consists of one man at the top with three below him, each of who has three below him, and so on with fearful symmetry unto the seventh generation, by which stage there is a row of 729 managers. ― Antony Jay, Management and Machiavelli, 1967

Jenkinson’s Law: It won’t work.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin. ― Michael O’Donoghue

Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.

Jizz changes everything. It’s science! ― Jim Chapman

John Birch Society ― that pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. ― Edward P. Morgan

Johnson’s First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

Jones’ Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Jones’ Law of Hierarchical Limits: As an administrator, you need to give ten pats on the head for each kick in the butt. This is the reason for keeping the number of people reporting to you a fairly small number. Otherwise, you will run out of hands, but still have an overcapacity in feet.

Jones’ Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Jones’s First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress ― in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.

Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you’re at it.

Jury ― Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed. ― Southern California Oracle

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they AREN’T after you.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. ― B. Kliban

Just once I’d like to meet an alien menace that isn’t immune to bullets. ― The Brigadier, Dr. Who.

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Just remember: you’re not a “dummy,” no matter what those computer books claim. The real dummies are the people who―though technically expert―couldn’t design hardware and software that’s usable by normal consumers if their lives depended upon it. ― Walter Mossberg

Justice is incidental to law and order. ― J. Edgar Hoover

Justice, like lightning, should ever appear To some men hope, to other men fear. ― Jefferson Pierce

Justice: A decision in your favor.

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Karl’s version of Parkinson’s Law: Work expands to exceed the time allotted it.

Katz’ Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach. (This force is technically termed “car suck.”) 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than “Watch this!”

Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant “?” lights up in the center of the dashboard. “The experienced driver”, he says, “will usually know what’s wrong.”

Ketterling’s Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

Kinkler’s First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler’s Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.

Klein bottle for rent, apply within.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. ― Henry N. Camp

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L’extension des privileges des femmes est le principe general de tous progres sociaux. ― Charles Fourier, 1808

Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Lack of skill dictates economy of style. ― Joey Ramone

Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the “illegal” side. ― Rich Hall, “Sniglets”

Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.

Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of society…It is justified because…the program can give a sense of shared adventure and achievement to the society at large. ― Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in “The History of Manned Space Flight”

Larkinson’s Law: All laws are basically false.

Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn’t help either.

Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don’t succeed, transform your data set.

Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Lawrence’s Axiom: Anger is one letter short of danger.

Laws of Computer Programming (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. (3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. (4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. (5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. (6) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. (7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. (8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. ― SIGPLAN Notices, Vol. 2, No. 2

Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats ― approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way. ― Anon

Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Leisure can be justified. Recreation maximizes productive stamina. Play is not the opposite of work. Idleness consolidates thought. ― Thomas “Sam” Frantz

Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.

Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.

Let me play with it first and I’ll tell you what it is later. ― Miles Davis

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy, a terrible, terrible lie somebody gave the people long ago. ― Lenny Bruce

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Let the machine do the dirty work.

Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things. And let us reflect that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we countenance a political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and bloody persecutions. ― Thomas Jefferson

Let’s give discredit where discredit is due. ― Karl Lehenbauer

Lewis’s Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn’t belong to anyone, ever.

Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.

Liberty is the mother not the daughter of order. ― Proudhon

Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

Lieberman’s Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Lies written in ink can never disguise facts written in blood. Blood debts must be repaid in kind. The longer the delay, the greater the interest. ― Chinese author Lu Xun, 1926

Life in a free society is friendly, prosperous, pleasant, cultured, and ever-longer. ― Jeff Daiell, 1989, in counterpoint to Hobbes

Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. ― Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan

Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain. ― Joe Bak

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Life is full of surprises when you’re up th’ stream of consciousness without a paddle… ― Zippy the Pinhead

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.

Life is not one thing after another, it’s the same damned thing over and over.

Life is the application of noble and profound ideas to life. ― Matthew Arnold

Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid. ― John Wayne

Life is wasted on the living. ― Zaphod Beeblebrox IV

Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.

Life’s greatest gift is natural talent. ― P. K. Thomajan

Life. Don’t talk to me about life. ― Marvin the Paranoid Anroid

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. ― Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. ― Alan McKay

Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.

Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

listen: there’s a hell of a good universe next door; let’s go. ― ee cummings

Live every day like it’s your last because someday you’ll be right.

Live free or die.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful.

Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.

Long distance runners break into more pants.

Long life is in store for you.

Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.

Look, let me explain something to you. I’m not Mr. Lebowski. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. That, or His Dudeness … Duder … or El Duderino, if, you know, you’re not into the whole brevity thing. ― The Dude (“The Big Lebowski”)

Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. ― D’Hericault

Los Angeles is a geometropolitan predicament rather than a city. You can no more administer it than you could administer the solar system. ― Jonathan Miller

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. ― Elbert Hubbard

Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.

Love means never having to say, “Put down that meat cleaver.”

Love your enemies: they’ll go crazy trying to figure out what you’re up to.

Lowery’s Law: If it jams ― force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There’s always one more bug.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. ― E. Letterman

Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.

Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

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Machines take me by surprise with great frequency. ― Alan Turing

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence … ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Maintainer’s Motto: If we can’t fix it, it ain’t broke.

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Make a wish: it might come true.

Make input easy to proofread

Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.

Make it right before you make it faster.

Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men’s blood. ― D. B. Hudson

Make sure all variables are initialized before use.

Make sure comments and code agree.

Make sure your code “does nothing” gracefully.

Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. ― System V.2 administrator’s guide

Malek’s Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Man is a Generalist. Specialization is for insects. ― Lazarus Long

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. ― Oscar Wilde

Man is a rationalizing animal, not a rational animal. ― R. A. Heinlein

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft … and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. ― Wernher von Braun

Man rarely reads the handwriting on the wall until he has his back to it.

Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.

Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on… ― Winston Churchill

Man’s horizons are bounded by his vision.

Mankind has yet to devise a rule that never requires exceptions. ― Wayne Dyer

Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others. ― Ray Simard

Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist.

Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.

Many are called, few volunteer.

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

Many are the wonders of the Universe, and none so wonderful as Mankind! ― Sophocles

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

Many pages make a thick book.

Many receive advice, few profit from it.

Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday … ― Walt Kelly

Mark’s Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. ― Voltaire

Marshall’s generalized iceberg theorem: 7/8ths of everything cannot be seen.

Martin’s Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. ― Jules Feiffer

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. ― R. S. Barton

McGowan’s Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as “under $50”, you can bet it’s not $19.95.

Meader’s Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.

Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization. ― Wayne Dyer

Meditation is not what you think.

Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

Memories of you remind me of you. ― Karl

Memory should be the starting point of the present.

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.

Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. … It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are contrary to habit… ― Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease

Mencken and Nathan’s Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager’s wife.

Mencken and Nathan’s Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.

Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.

Meskimen’s Law: There’s never time to do it right, but there’s always time to do it over.

Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.

Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.

Mile’s Law: where you stand depends on where you sit.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. ― Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. ― Groucho Marx

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. ― Susan Ertz

Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. “Tweedledum and Tweedledee,” they say, “I will not vote.” Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. ― Russel Baker, “Ford without Flummery”

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. ― Jean Cocteau

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in? Calvin: Denial. Miss Wormwood: I don’t suppose I can argue with that…

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Mister Ranger isn’t gonna like it, Yogi.

Mitchell’s Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Modern man is the missing link between the apes and humans.

Modesty is an ornament, but you go further without it. ― German Proverb

Modesty is of no use to a beggar. ― Homer

Mollison’s Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn’t worth doing.

Money is like a sixth sense, and you can’t use the other five without it.

Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. ― Thomas Jefferson

Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything. ― A Network 23 executive on “Max Headroom”

More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. ― Woody Allen

Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.

Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering: Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.

Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.

Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris. ― Larry Wall

Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.

Mr. Cole’s Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Mr. Ranger isn’t gonna like it, Yogi.

Mrs Podgorny: Angus how are y’going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van? Angus: I’ll have t’do it in two goes.

Muddy water let stand will clear. ― Chinese Proverb

Murphy’s Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.

Murphy’s Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

My answer is, bring them on. ― George W. Bush, on Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces; Washington, D.C.; July 3, 2003

My grandson has learned how to hold and carry the cat. He has also learned how to flush the toilet. I can’t help but believe that in the not-too-distant future there will be another lesson in store for him. ― Dave Henry

My head is bloodied, but unbowed. ― From the poem “Invictus”

My life is so fucking miserable that I don’t know whether I was born or if Morrissey just sang me into existence. ― R.K. Milholland

My mother is a fish. ― William Faulkner

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable…. We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities. ― James A. Michener

My past is my own. ― The Shadow (DC Comics)

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Naeser’s Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can’t make it damnfoolproof.

Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature, because it is a product what we can find in our neighborhoods. ― George W. Bush, Austin, Texas; December 20, 2000

Natural selection won’t matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection. We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be. Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably. ― Greg Bear

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. ― Abraham Lincoln

Necessity is a mother.

Neil Armstrong to Walter Cronkite: “Well, Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I’m damned if I’m going to use up mine running up and down a street.”

Neil Armstrong tripped.

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.

Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator’s motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. ― Billy Rose

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.

Never throw a bird at a dragon.

Never count your chickens until they rip your lips off.

New Year’s Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. ― Webster’s Unafraid Dictionary

New York… when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. ― David Letterman

New boots, big steps. ― Chinese Proverb

New systems generate new problems.

Newlan’s Truism: An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Newton’s Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.

Newton’s Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don’t have a lucky day this year.

Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. ― F. J. Raymond

Nihil tam munitum quod non expugnari pecunia possit. (No fort is so strong that it cannot be taken with money.) ― Cicero

Nihilism should commence with oneself.

No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.

No guts, no glory.

No man was ever taken to hell by a woman unless he already had a ticket in his pocket, or at least had been fooling around with timetables. ― Archie Goodwin

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the Legislature is in session. ― Lysander Spooner

No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.

No matter where you go, there you are. ― Buckaroo Banzai

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ― Eleanor Roosevelt

No one is fit to be trusted with power. … No one. … Any man who has lived at all knows the follies and wickedness he’s capable of. … And if he does know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to decide a single human fate. ― C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark

No one is talking behind your back as far as you know.

No one who accepts the sovereignty of truth can be a foot soldier in a party or movement. He will always find himself out of step. ― Sidney Hook

No one’s happiness but my own is in my power to achieve or to destroy. ― Ayn Rand

No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.

No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it.

No problem is so large it can’t be fit in somewhere.

No, ’tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but ’tis enough, ’twill serve: ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man. ― Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene 1

No user-serviceable parts inside. Refer to qualified service personnel.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. ― Tallulah Bankhead

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Nobody wants constructive criticism. It’s all we can do to put up with constructive praise.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

None love the bearer of bad news. ― Sophocles

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced ― even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. ― John Keats

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant. ― Edmund Burke

Nothing is as repulsive as phoniness; conversely, nothing is as magnetic as reality. ― Howard Henrichs

Nothing is done until nothing is done.

Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him. ― Fyodor Dostoevski

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. ― Andrew Young

Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm: It moves stones, and it charms brutes.

Nothing recedes like success. ― Walt Kelly

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.

Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you’re guessing.

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O’Riordan’s Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal’s Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero.

O’Toole’s Commentary on Murphy’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Objects on your screen are closer than they appear.

Obviously, a man’s judgement cannot be better than the information on which he has based it. Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and make him something less than a man. ― Arthur Hays Sulzberger

Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man ― who has no gills.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. ― Plato

Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst. ― Thomas Paine

Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.

Of course, someone who knows more about this will correct me if I’m wrong, and someone who knows less will correct me if I’m right. ― David Palmer (palmer@tybalt.caltech.edu)

Ogden’s Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Oh dear, I think you’ll find reality’s on the blink again. ― Marvin the Paranoid Android

Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. ― Trotsky

Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.

Oliver’s First Law of Computing: Computers are much too complex; they’ll never work. ― Robert Oliver (circa 1982)

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University. ― John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))

Once … in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. ― W. C. Fields, “My Little Chickadee”

One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5×11- inch paper cannot be understood. ― Mark Ardis

One becomes a critic when one cannot be an artist, just as a man becomes a stool pigeon when he cannot be a soldier. ― Gustave Flaubert (letter to Madame Louise Colet, August 12, 1846)

One can’t proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.

One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim. ― Henry Brook Adams

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.

One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to merit a wise man’s reflection. ― Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Stanford University, commenting on psi research

One millihelen: the unit of beauty required to launch just one ship

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He’s good, nobody can touch Him. ― John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983

One of the most misleading representational techniques in our language is the use of the word “I”. ― Ludwig Wittgenstein

One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. it is simply too painful to acknowledge ― even to ourselves ― that we’ve been so credulous. (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the new bamboozles rise.) ― Carl Sagan, “The Fine Art of Baloney Detection,” Parade, February 1, 1987

One seldom sees a monument to a committee.

One thing the inventors can’t seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

One’s mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimension.

Only God can make random selections.

Opinions are like assholes: everyone’s got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy’s. ― Hal Hickman

Optimists say the glass is half full, pessimists say the glass is half empty, engineers say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Optimization hinders evolution.

Optimization is not some mystical state of grace, it is an intricate act of human labor which carries real costs and real risks. ― Tom Neff

Ordinary people: I fuckin’ hate ’em. ― Harry Dean Stanton in “Repo Man”

Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. ― Mike Adams

Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined, hardworking scientists and engineers applying the principles of science, not aboard flying saucers piloted by little gray aliens from some other dimension. ― Robert A. Baker, “The Aliens Among Us: Hypnotic Regression Revisited”, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2

Our liberty depends upon the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost. ― Thomas Jefferson (1786)

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. ― Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries

Out of body, back in five minutes.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.

Overload ― core meltdown sequence initiated.

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PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals. ― Jon Ribbens

Paranoia doesn’t mean the whole world really isn’t out to get you.

Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile. ~Plato

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too. ― D. J. Hicks

Parker’s Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Parking fees that Universal Studios collected from picketers of _The Last Temptation of Christ_: $4,500 ― Harper’s Index Nov. 1988

Parkinson’s Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Parkinson’s Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Parkinson’s Law: Work expands to fill the time alloted it.

Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.

Benford’s Law of Controversy: Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available. ― Gregory Benford

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. ― Eric Hoffer

Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. ― Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. ― Oscar Wilde

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.

Peace: a period of cheating between two wars.

People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange surroundings ― they can become accustomed to reading Lisp and Fortran programs, for example. ― Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press

People get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory.

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. ― Calvin

People usually get what’s coming to them … unless it’s been mailed.

People who claim they don’t let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

People who look down on other people do not end up being looked up to.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. (Confound those who have said our remarks before us.) ― Aelius Donatus

Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse. ― C. N. Parkinson

Perpetuo vincit qui utitur clementia. (He is forever victor who employs clemency.) ― Syrus

Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. ― E. G. Leter

Peter’s Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.

Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.

Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

pi seconds is a nanocentury. ― Tom Duff

Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die ― John W. Campbell

Plagiarism is basic to all culture. ― Papa Seeger

Plan ahead: it was not raining when Noah built the ark. ― Richard Cushing

Please don’t ask me what the score is. I’m not even sure what the game is. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

Please don’t lie to me, unless you’re absolutely sure I’ll never find out the truth. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

Please go away.

Please ignore previous fortune.

Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn’t have any bazingas’ until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.’ Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. ― N. Meyrowitz

Please update your programs.

Poetry is nobody’s business except the poet’s, and everybody else can fuck off. ― Philip Larkin

Pohl’s law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

Police up your spare rounds and frags. Don’t leave nothin’ for the dinks. ― Willem Dafoe in “Platoon”

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

Politician, n.: From the Greek “poly” (“many”) and the French “tete” (“head” or “face,” as in “tete-a-tete”: head to head or face to face). Hence “polytetien”, a person of two or more faces. ― Martin Pitt

Poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master. ― Leonardo da Vinci

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Power is poison.

Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.

Practice is the best of all instructors. ― Publilius

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. ― Niels Bohr

Preserve the old, but know the new.

Preudhomme’s Law of Window Cleaning: It’s on the other side.

Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or from a “universal mind” (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity) not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements of individual human brains. ― Barry L. Beyerstein, “The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi Phenomena”, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171

Prevent security leaks.

Pro is to Con as Progress is to Congress.

Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system] made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories. ― Ted Nelson, October 1977

Proclaim liberty throughout the land and to all the inhabitants thereof. ― Leviticus 25:10

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Programming is 10

science, 25

ingenuity and 65

getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. ― Michael Sinz

Progress is nothing but the victory of laughter over dogma. ― Benjamin DeCasseres

Promptness is its own reward If one lives by the clock instead of the sword.

Pronounce your prepositions, dammit!

Proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. ― David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in “The History of Manned Space Flight”

Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.

Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.

Put your trust in those who are worthy.

Putt’s Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.

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Q. What’s all wrinkled and hangs out your underwear? A. Your mom!

Q.: “Why do trans-atlantic transfers take so long?” A.: “Electrons don’t swim very fast.”

Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10

of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”, and 20

of the definitions are of the form “A …… consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks”.

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many Pro-Lifers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the screwing began.

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored power tools.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Q: Why did the tachyontac cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it’s the only one we’ve got.

Quoth the Raven, “Never mind.”

Quotations are for people who are not saying things worth quoting.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Rational people don’t go stomping around demanding that the world be perfect for them. ― Matthew N. Dodd , in comments posted to the freebsd-java mailing list, 6 Feb 2000

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Romeo: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. Mercutio: No, ’tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church.

Rage, rage, against the dying of the light! ― Dylan Thomas

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? ― George W. Bush; Florence, South Carolina; January 11, 2000

Ray’s Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

Re: graphics: A picture is worth 10K words ― but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.

Reading is thinking with someone else’s head instead of one’s own.

Real Programmers don’t play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

Real Programs don’t use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?

Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.

Real wealth can only increase. ― R. Buckminster Fuller

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. ― Dolph Sharp, “I’m O.K., You’re Not So Hot”

Recent investments will yield a slight profit.

Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at speeds faster than 85 MPH (140k/h). ― presumable misprint from the 1987 Buick Grand National owner’s manual.

Reliable software must kill people reliably. ― Andy Mickel

Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.

Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise. ― James Madison, in a letter to William Bradford, April 1, 1774

Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.

Remember: You cannot drain the ocean with a teaspoon. ― Ignas Bernstein

Removing the error messages “now that the program is working” is like wearing a parachute on the ground, but taking it off once you’re in the air. ― Kernighan & Plauger [Software Tools]

Render unto Caesar if line 54 is larger than line 62.

Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.

Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing. ― Wernher von Braun

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you’ll probably get another chance later on.

Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals. ― “Oh, Lucky Man”

Ride the tributaries to reach the sea. ― Arab Proverb

Rocky’s Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.

Rudin’s Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made between alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worse one possible.

Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

Rules for driving in New York: 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

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SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! ― Ken Thompson

Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent. ― George Orwell

Salad is what food eats.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

Sattinger’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders. ― Alanna

Schapiro’s Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side ― but that’s because they use more manure.

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. ― Ashley Montague

Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.

Scott’s First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Scott’s Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. ― George W. Bush; Greece, New York; May 24, 2005

Seminars, n.: From “semi” and “arse”, hence, any half-assed discussion.

Semper ubi sub ubi.

Serocki’s Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor’s last option.

Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. ― M. C. Reed.

Sex is the poor man’s opera. ― G. B. Shaw

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. ― Woody Allen

Shake hands with your mother again. ― from an old hymn

Shaw’s Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president. ― John Greenway, “The American Tradition”, on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis

She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle …

Short words are best, and the old words when short are best of all. ― Winston Churchill

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. ― Martin Mull

Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

Silverman’s Law: If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.

Simon’s Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.

Skinner’s Constant (or Flannagan’s Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.

Slime is the agony of water. ― Jean-Paul Sartre

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. ― Bertrand Russell

So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and our doubts serve to reassure us. ― Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest

So where the sheer incompetence of politicians and generals used to start wars, the sheer incompetence of us computer people has now put an end to it. No mean feat. For centuries humanity has been looking for the Weapon That Would End War Forever. We have found it. War has ended, not with the bang of a bomb, but with the gentle whisper of crashing software. ― Gerard Stafleu (gerard@uwovax.uwo.ca)

So why don’t you make like a tree, and get outta here. ― Biff in “Back to the Future”

Socialism is power, power, and more power. ― Oswald Spengler, Hitler’s intellectual forebear

Society is the presumption of habit over instinct. ― Peter Taylor

Sodd’s Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.

Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human construct because no two parts are alike. If they are, we make the two similar parts into a subroutine ― open or closed. In this respect, software systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where repeated elements abound. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more ‘user-friendly’…. Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, ‘user-friendly’ on the cover. ― Bill Gates, President, Microsoft, Inc.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. ― Arnold Glasow

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. ― Joseph Heller, “Catch-22”

Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing.

Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying. ― Woody Allen

Some people in this department wouldn’t recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it ― Gordon R. Dickson

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. ― Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. ― Lily Tomlin

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. ― Sigmund Freud

Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.

Sometimes the only way out of a difficulty is through it.

Sometimes, too long is too long. ― Joe Crowe

Spark’s Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.

Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?

Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal power should not become too important in any church. ― Eleanor Roosevelt

Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.

Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. ― Pink Floyd

Steinbach’s Guideline for Systems Programming Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

Stock brokers invest your money until it’s all gone. ― Woody Allen

Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if it’d only take a bath.

Stult’s Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.

Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.

Sturgeon’s Law: Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Success is a journey, not a destination.

Success is not free. Neither is failure. ― Ray Kroc

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. ― Winston Churchill

Success is what happens when something goes right. ― Arnold Glasow

Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue. ― Seneca

Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.

Superiority is always detested. ― Balasar Gracian

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. ― Richard M. Nixon

Swipple’s Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

Menu ! a ! b ! c ! d ! e ! f ! g ! h ! i ! j ! k ! l ! m ! n ! o ! p ! q ! r ! s ! t ! u ! v ! w ! x


TV is chewing gum for the eyes. ― Frank Lloyd Wright

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Tact is the great ability to see other people as they think you see them.

Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you’re thinking.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. ― National Lampoon, “Deteriorada”

Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. ― Kipling

Take what you can use and let the rest go by. ― Ken Kesey

Tax reform means “Don’t tax you, don’t tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.” ― Russell Long

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. ― Aldous Huxley

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you…. Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature’s way of telling you to stop writing. ― R. Geis

Than self restraint, there is nothing better. ― Lao Tzu

That 150 lawyers should do business together ought not to be expected. ― Thomas Jefferson, on the U.S. Congress.

That government is best which governs least. ― Thomas Jefferson

That government is best which governs not at all. ― Henry David Thoreau

That is the key to history. Terrific energy is expended ― civilizations are built up ― excellent institutions devised; but each time something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top, and then it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down. ― C. S. Lewis

That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. ― Thoreau

That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.

That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them. ― Dorothy Parker

That’s the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers. ― Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in “Oath of Fealty”

The Abrams’ Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.

The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.

The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. ― G. B. Shaw

The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.

The Idea is like grass. It craves light, likes crowds, thrives on cross-breeding, grows better for being stepped on. ― Ursula K. LeGuin, “The Dispossessed”

The Kennedy Constant: Don’t get mad ― get even.

The Law of Software Envelopment (at MIT): Every program at MIT attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot expand are replaced by ones which can.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. ― Anatole France

The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as “Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India” or “Director of Corporate Planning.”

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ― Dorothy Nevill

The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict.

The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.

The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together. ― Sir Peter Medawar

The United States has entered an anti-intellectual phase in its history, perhaps most clearly seen in our virtually thought-free political life. ― David Baltimore

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some. ― Dwight MacDonald

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper ― Thomas Jefferson

The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the―the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice. ― George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.; October 28, 2003

The angels wanna wear my red shoes.

The applause of a single human being is of great consequence. ― Samuel Johnson

The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

The author should gaze at Noah, and … learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd a great deal of matter into a very small compass. ― Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The best cure for anger is delay. ― Seneca

The best prophet of the future is the past.

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom. ― Clarence Darrow

The best thing about a boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit. ― Anonymous

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. ― Anonymous

The better part of maturity is knowing your goals. ― Arnold Glasow

The biggest difference between time and space is that you can’t reuse time. ― Merrick Furst

The chain that can be yanked is not the cosmic chain. ― Cal Keegan

The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters’ picnic.

The chief barrier to happiness is envy. ― Frank Tyger

The chief cause of problems is solutions. ― Eric Sevareid, CBS Evening News, December 29, 1970

The city of the dead antedates the city of the living. ― Lewis Mumford

The clothes have no emperor. ― C. A. Hoare, about Ada.

The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one. Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity often abstract away its essence. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

The computing field is always in need of new cliches. ― Alan Perlis

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous. ― Bjarne Stroustrup in “The C++ Programming Language”

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: “Of course it is none of my business, but ―” is to place a period after the word “but.” Don’t use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. ― Lazarus Long, “Time Enough for Love”

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.

The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the country demands bold, persistent experimentation. ― Franklin Delano Roosevelt

The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. ― John McNulty

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. ― Thomas Jefferson

The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one ― like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.

The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?

The decision didn’t have to be logical, it was unanimous.

The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.

The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has limits.

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. ― Robert Heinlein

The difference between sympathy and empathy is three letters: “yes”. ― P. Taylor

The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. ― John Adams

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. ― Buckminster Fuller

The end of labor is to gain leisure.

The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow.

The envious man grows lean at the success of his neighbor. ― Horace

The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man is and will always be a wild animal. ― Charles Galton Darwin

The existence of god implies a violation of causality.

The fact that it works is immaterial. ― L. Ogborn

The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.

The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order of space and time. ― Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. ― Roger Levian

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.

The first 90

of a project takes 90

of the time. The last 10

of a project takes 90

of the time.

The first and great commandment is: Do not let them scare you. ― Elmer Davis

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. ― Abbie Hoffman

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. ― Paul Erlich

The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. ― Alan Coult

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to levitation. Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the character does not have fire resistance. ― README file from the NetHack game

The fourth law of thermodynamics: The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.

The fundamentalists, by “knowing” the answers before they start [examining evolution], and then forcing nature into the straitjacket of their discredited preconceptions, lie outside the domain of science―-or of any honest intellectual inquiry. ― Stephen Jay Gould, Bully for Brontosaurus (1990)

The future isn’t what it used to be. (It never was.)

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we’ve finished building it.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion. ― George Washington (The Treaty of Tripoli)

The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.

The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace. ― Holly Near

The hand that rocks the cradle can also cradle a rock. ― Feminist saying, circa 1968-1972

The hardest thing to open is a closed mind. ― Leo Burnett

The heart has no rainbows when the eye has no tears.

The hell with the Prime Directive: let’s kill something.

The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of “Ten Best”. ― H. Allen Smith

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity ― the rest is overhead for the operating system.

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein ― it rejects it. ― P. Medawar

The hypothesis: Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical pivots around which every project’s management revolves. These are the manager’s chief personal tools. ― Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place. ― attributed to Douglas Adams

The ideal is impossible. The idea of the ideal is essential. ― P. Taylor

The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of pseudoscience. Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory. Because of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms scientists must employ in their work. ― Thomas L. Creed, “The Skeptical Inquirer,” Summer 1987

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. ― Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

The Internet? Is that thing still around? ― Homer Simpson

The Internet is the most powerful stupidity amplifier ever invented. It’s like television without the television part. —- James “Kibo” Perry

The lame in the path outstrip the swift who wander from it. ― Francis Bacon

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. ― Blaise Pascal

The life of a repo man is always intense.

The life of money-making is one undertaken under compulsion, and wealth is evidently not the good we are seeking, for it is merely useful for the sake of something else. ― Aristotle

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep. ― Woody Allen

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. ― Henry Kissinger

The love of money is only one among many. ― Alfred Marshall

The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.

The main thing is the play itself. I swear that greed for money has nothing to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money. ― Feodor Dostoyevsky

The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be. … The natural disposition is always to believe. It is acquired wisdom and experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough. ― Adam Smith

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. ― Alan Ashley-Pitt

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

The marvels of today’s modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever; and a $20,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.

The meek are contesting the will.

The meek shall inherit the earth ― they are too weak to refuse.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. ― J. Paul Getty

The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us will go to the stars.

The meek will inherit the Earth….. The rest of us will go to the stars.

The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out. ― Tenessee Williams

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it’s further away.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. ― Lao Tsu

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The more things change, the more they’ll never be the same again.

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. ― Andy Warhol

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That’s funny …” ― Isaac Asimov

The most merciful thing in the world … is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. ― H. P. Lovecraft

The new Congressmen say they’re going to turn the government around. I hope I don’t get run over again.

The next six days are dangerous.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. ― Andrew S. Tanenbaum

The notion of a “record” is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. ― Dennis M. Ritchie

The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. ― Oscar Wilde

The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only good bug is a dead bug. But the best bug is the one that wasn’t there to begin with.

The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences’ is: some do, some don’t. ― Ernest Rutherford

The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ― Edmund Burke

The only things worth learning are the things you learn after you know it all. ― Harry S Truman

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. ― Oscar Wilde

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ― Oscar Wilde

The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it. ― Brian Kernighan

The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn’t even get up until 5 or 6 pm.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. ― Niels Bohr

The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. ― Bohr

The optimum committee has no members. ― Norman Augustine

The past always looks better than it was. It’s only pleasant because it isn’t here. ― Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose ― James Finke, President, Commodore Int’l Ltd. (1982)

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. ― Dizzy Dean

The plural of spouse is spice.

The police are not there to create disorder. The police are there to preserve disorder. ― The late Richard J. Daly, Mayor of the city of Chicago

The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of the Force. ― Darth Vader

The price of greatness is responsibility. ― Winston Churchill

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. ― James Baldwin

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. ― FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don’t know where to go to erase it. ― Glaser and Way

The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues. ― Elizabeth Taylor

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought- stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the imagination. Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures. ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

The purpose of most meetings seems to be to get as much human meat as possible into one room. ― James Iry, via Twitter

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong ― but that’s the way to bet. ― Damon Runyon

The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.

The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemporary psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven fruitful…After more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist one example of an ESP phenomenon that is replicable under controlled conditions. This simple but basic scientific criterion has not been met despite dozens of studies conducted over many decades… It is for this reason alone that the topic is now of little interest to psychology… In short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that needs explanation. ― Keith E. Stanovich, “How to Think Straight About Psychology”, pp. 160-161

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don’t eat much.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. ― Steve Furtick

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. ― George Bernard Shaw

The revolution will not be televised.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. ― Emerson

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left-handed people are in their right minds.

The road to to success is always under construction. ― Florian Bruckner

The secret cement of any organization is trust. ― Donald E. Walker

The shell must break before the bird can fly. ― Alfred, Lord Tennyson

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ― Noelie Altito

The silly question is the first intimation of some totally new development.

The so-called “desktop metaphor” of today’s workstations is instead an “airplane-seat” metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference ― one can see only a very few things at once. ― Fred Brooks, Jr.

The solution to a problem changes the problem. ― J. Martin

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we’ll find their money. ― Ed Bluestone

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

The steady state of disks is full. ―Ken Thompson

The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion. ― Thomas Paine, from The Age of Reason

The subject matter of research is no longer nature in itself, but nature subjected to human questioning . . . ― Werner Heisenberg

The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright ― And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. ― Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

The superfluous is very necessary. ― Voltaire

The sweetest of all sounds is praise. ― Xenophon

The tar pit of software engineering will continue to be sticky for a long time to come. One can expect the human race to continue attempting systems just within or just beyond our reach; and software systems are perhaps the most intricate and complex of man’s handiworks. The management of this complex craft will demand our best use of new languages and systems, our best adaptation of proven engineering management methods, liberal doses of common sense, and … humility to recognize our fallibility and limitations. ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics The First Law: You can’t get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.

The time is right to make new friends.

The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it’s always a cat ― Ogden Nash.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late. ― Seymour Cray

The trouble with us in America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. ― Louis Kronenberger

The truth is that all those having power ought to be mistrusted. ― James Madison

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.

The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic light table for cutting and pasting documents.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

The unnatural, that too is natural. ― Goethe

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. ― E. W. Dijkstra (1982)

The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that high aims are worth-while. Vigorous societies harbor a certain extravagance of objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe provision of personal gratifications. All strong interests easily become impersonal, the love of a good job well done. There is a sense of harmony about such an accomplishment, the Peace brought by something worth-while. ― Alfred North Whitehead, 1963, in “The History of Manned Space Flight”

The way to make a small fortune in the stock market is to start with a large one.

The Web is like a dominatrix. Everywhere I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit. ― Nytwind

The whole earth is in jail and we’re plotting this incredible jailbreak. ― Wavy Gravy

The wife you save may be your own. ― Unofficial slogan of supporters of one of FDR’s sons, a notorious womanizer, during the son’s first congressional race

The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.

The world is a fantasy, so let’s find out about it. ― Astrophysicist Dennis Sciama, to Timothy Ferris (quoted in Ferris’s book, “The Mind’s Sky”)

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

[The World Wide Web is] the only thing I know of whose shortened form―www―takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for. ― attributed to Douglas Adams

The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who think the world is divided into two kinds of people and those who do not.

The world is no nursery. ― Sigmund Freud

The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. ― Father Robert F. Capon

The world will not recognize your talent until you demonstrate it.

The world’s as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful ― Frederick Locker-Lampson

The worst form of failure is the failure to try.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Theorem: A cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.

There are 10 types of people who understand binary: The ones who do, and the ones who don’t.

There are a lot of lies going around…. and half of them are true. ― Winston Churchill

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy … ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.

There are no giant crabs in here, Frank.

There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.

There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always bitch about and those nobody uses. ― Bjarne Stroustrup

There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don’t we all?

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who know binary and those who don’t.

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. ― Heisenberg

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. ― Disraeli

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: “The Lord of the Rings” and “Atlas Shrugged”. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs. ― John Rogers (kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2009/03/ephemera-2009-7.html)

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. ― Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There can be no offense where none is taken. ― Japanese proverb

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ― Henry Kissinger

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There is a bear following you around.

There is a decivilizing bug somewhere at work; unconsciously persons of stern worth, by not resenting and resisting the small indignities of the times, are preparing themselves for the eventual acceptance of what they themselves know they don’t want. ― attributed to E.B. White

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

There is no “Complete Idiot’s Guide to Creationism,” but perhaps one is not needed. ― Andrei Codrescu, on NPR Aug. 25, 1999

There is no excuse for the use of the word “synergies” on any project where common sense and straight talking are the norm. ― Paul Robinson , in a post to the FreeBSD-Hackers mailing list, 17 July, 2003

There is some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that it’s basically impossible to send a piece of hate mail through the Internet without its being touched by a gay program. That’s kind of funny. ― Eric Allman

There is one safeguard known generally to the wise, which is an advantage and security to all, but especially to democracies as against despots. What is it? Distrust. ― Demosthenes: Philippic 2, sect. 24.

There is a time in the tides of men, Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. On the other hand, don’t count on it. ― T. K. Lawson

There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting.

There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race. ― Alfred North Whitehead

There is no heavier burden than a great potential.

There is no idea so sacred that it cannot be questioned, analyzed… and ridiculed. ― Cal Keegan

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards ― only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. ― Encyclopadia Apocrypha, 1990 ed.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it ― G. B. Shaw

There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. ― Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.

There is no such thing as not enough time if you are doing what you want to do.

There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.

There is no time like the pleasant.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy. ― Swift

There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way. ― Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. ― Oscar Wilde

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was. ― Alex in “Clockwork Orange”

There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic “bubbles”, electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business?

There will always be survivors. ― Robert Heinlen

There will be big changes for you, but you will be happy.

There you go man, Keep as cool as you can. It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave. Keep on being free!

There’s a bug somewhere in your code.

There’s a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it’s not a fence.

There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

There’s always someone, somewhere, with a big nose, who knows and who trips you up and laughs when you fall. ― The Smiths

There’s at least one fool in every married couple.

There’s got to be more to life than compile-and-go.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 15 ― Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 27 ― Use an electric sander.

There’s more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

There’s no future in time travel

There’s no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another. ― E. B. White

There’s no place like home.

To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy. ~Hippocrates

There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes. ― Dr. Who

There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. ― J. S. Bach

There’s nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn’t cure. ― David Mairowitz

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. ― Clint Eastwood

There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. ― Lily Tomlin

These patriots don’t mince words… Okay, sure, they ARE dangerous, hopelessly ignorant, inbred, retarded borderline lunatics with an insatiable lust for the blood of sinners ― but at least they’re HONEST about it. ― Reverend Ivan Stang, cofounder of the Church of the Subgenius, about a group known as Free Love Ministries, in his book _High Weirdness By Mail_

They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions of the duperies on which they live. ― Thomas Jefferson

They also surf who only stand on waves.

They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!

Things are always at their best in the beginning. ― Pascal

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Things are not as simple as they seems at first. ― Edward Thorp

Things won’t get any better, so get used to it.

Think honk if you’re a telepath.

This fortune intentionally not included.

This fortune is false.

This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.

This fortune will self destruct in 5 years.

This isn’t brain surgery; it’s just television. ― David Letterman

This space unintentionally left blank.

This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks ― to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls. ― Michael Swanwick, “Vacuum Flowers”

Thoreau’s Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. ― Attributed to Thoreau by William H. Whyte, Jr., in The Organization Man (1956)

Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers’ money. ― Eleanor Roosevelt

Those who are quick in deciding are in danger of being mistaken. ― Sophocles

Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of Silly Putty. ― Dennis Rawlins, astronomer

Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself. ― Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer

Those who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them.

Those who can, do; those who can’t, simulate.

Those who can’t repeat the past are condemned to remember it. ― Mark O’Donnell

Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. ― Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hacker

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. ― Aristotle

Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. ― John F. Kennedy

Those who talk don’t know. Those who don’t talk, know.

Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide to avoid assassination. ― Harry S Truman

Throw out your gold teeth / And see how they roll. The answer they reveal: / Life is unreal. ― Steely Dan

Time and tide wait for no man.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. ― Graffiti

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once.

Time wounds all heels.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book. ― Cicero

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. ― Frank Lloyd Wright

To be awake is to be alive. ― Henry David Thoreau, in “Walden Pond”

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

To be is to program.

To be overbusy is a witless task. ― Sophocles

To be perfect is to have changed often. ― J. H. Newman

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

To be wrong all the time is an effort, but some manage it. ― William Feather

To be, or what? ― Sylvester Stallone

To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.

To do easily what is difficult for others is the mark of talent. ― H. F. Amiel

To downgrade the human mind is bad theology. ― C. K. Chesterton

To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer. ― Morris Kingston

To err is human, to forgive divine.

To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think. ― William Cowper

To invent products out of thin air, you don’t ask people what they want ― after all, who would’ve told you ten years ago that they needed a CD player? You ask them what problems they have when they get up in the morning. ― Robert Hall, Sr. Vice President, GVO, as quoted in the December, 1991, issue of Fortune

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. ― Thomas Edison

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood. ― Georges Santayana

To know the world one must construct it. ― Cesare Pavese

To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.

To program anything that is programmable is obsession.

To program is to be.

To steal from a thief is not theft. It is merely irony. ― Zorro, while retrieving money taxed from Californians

To steal from one person is theft. To steal from many is taxation. ― Daiell’s Law (a take-off on Felson’s Law)

To teach is to learn.

To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it’s a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. ― Beau Sheil, “Power Tools for Programmers”

Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Too clever is dumb. ― Ogden Nash

Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. ― Mae West

Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.

True innovation often comes from the small startup who is lean enough to launch a market but lacks the heft to own it. ― Timm Martin

Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind. ― Percy Bysshe Shelley

Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. ― Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Try not to have a good time … This is supposed to be educational. ― Charles Schulz

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. ― Ashleigh Brilliant

Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.

Turnaucka’s Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Tussman’s Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. ― Howard Kandel

Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.

Two percent of zero is almost nothing.

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UFO’s are for real: the Air Force doesn’t exist.

UFOs are for real. It’s the Air Force that doesn’t exist.

Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation. ― Blaise Pascal

Uncle Ed’s Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You’ll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.

Uncompensated overtime? Just Say No.

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. ― Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp)

Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it’s blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic …

Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. ― Isaac Asimov

Universe, n.: The problem.

University, n.: Like a software house, except the software’s free, and it’s usable, and it works, and if it breaks they’ll quickly tell you how to fix it.

UNIX *is* user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are. ― unknown

Unless one is a genius, it is best to aim at being intelligible. ― Anthony Hope

Unless you are very rich and very eccentric, you will not enjoy the luxury of a computer in your own home. ― Edward Yourdon, 1975.

Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.

Use debugging compilers.

Use free-form input where possible.

Use library functions.

Use the Force, Luke.

Useful knowledge is a great support for intuition. ― Charles B. Rogers

Users of a tool are willing to meet you halfway; if you do ninety percent of the job, they will be ecstatic. ― Software Tools, p.136.

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VMS isn’t an operating system, it’s a playpen for DEC system programmers. ― Herb Blashtfalt

Van Roy’s Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Variables won’t. Constants aren’t.

Velilind’s Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. ― Salvor Hardin

Vique’s Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling

Volcano – a mountain with hiccups.

Vote anarchist.

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Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you’re going to have to face the fact you’re a goddamn moron. ― The Dude (“The Big Lebowski”)

War is menstruation envy.

Waste not, get your budget cut next year.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Watch out for off-by-one errors.

We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. ― Whole Earth Catalog

We all know that no one understands anything that isn’t funny.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ― Oscar Wilde

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. ― Walt Kelly, “Pogo”

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

We are not alone.

We are what we pretend to be. ― Kurt Vonnegut, JR

We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.

We can’t let children think it’s okay to dress up like Vikings and go around hollering. ― Dogbert, on opera

We can’t schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting ― Stanley Sutton

We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the Phone Company.

We don’t know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn’t a fish. ― John Culkin

We don’t want to discourage the innovators and those who take risks because they’re afraid of getting sued by a lawsuit. ― George W. Bush; Washington, D.C.; June 24, 2004

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in England now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day. ― King Henry V, “Henry V”, Act IV, Scene 3

We have met the enemy and he is us ― Walt Kelly (in POGO)

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement.

We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately. ― Benjamin Franklin

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. ― Benjamin Franklin

We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. ― F. G. Withington

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

We want to create puppets that pull their own strings. ― Ann Marion

We were spanking each other with meat and then suddenly it got weird. ― Joe Hacket

We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem ― how to run a sunbeam through a meter.

We work to become, not to acquire. ― Elbert Hubbard

We’ll be a great country where the fabrics are made up of groups and loving centers. ― George W. Bush, Kalamazoo, Michigan; March 27, 2001

We’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is more than she ever did. ― Rufus T. Firefly, in “Duck Soup”

We’re here to give you a computer, not a religion. ― attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga

We’re the weirdest monkeys ever. ― Karl Lehenbauer

We’ve sent a man to the moon, and that’s 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody’s ever done it. ― Andy Rooney

Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer than any flame. [Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]

Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Weinberg’s First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!

Welcome to the human race, with its wars, disease and brutality. ― Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders), “Show Me”

Welcome to The Machine.

Welcome to the working week. I know it don’t thrill you I hope it don’t kill you.

Well, I killed my own grandfather and here I am! Guess there’s no paradox when time travel isn’t involved. ― Andrew Kennedy

Well, well, well! Well if it isn’t fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou! ― Alex in “Clockwork Orange”

Well, you see, it’s such a transitional creature. It’s a piss-poor reptile and not very much of a bird. ― Melvin Konner, from “The Tangled Wing”, quoting a zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it “very much like people”

Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve. ― Anonymous

Westheimer’s Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

Wethern’s Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind ― or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. ― V.P. Dan Quayle, garbling the United Negro College Fund slogan in an address to the group (from Newsweek, May 22nd, 1989)

What are you doing wrong with our bug-free product?

What cannot be eaten must be civilized. ― Peter Taylor

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick! ― Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian

What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.

What is a magician but a practising theorist? ― Obi-Wan Kenobi

What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. ― Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875

What is the difference between the modern computer and a Turing machine? It’s the same as that between Hillary’s ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.

What is tolerance? ― it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other’s folly ― that is the first law of nature. ― Voltaire

What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.

What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.

What is worth doing is worth delegating.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.

What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there’s nothing to compare it with.

What publishers are looking for these days isn’t radical feminism. It’s corporate feminism ― a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America’s message, which runs: “Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.” ― Susan Gordon

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? ― Ursula K. LeGuin

What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

What this calls for is a special blend of psychology and extreme violence. ― Vyvyan Basterd, “The Young Ones”

What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

What use is magic if it can’t save a unicorn? ― Peter S. Beagle, “The Last Unicorn”

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. ― Bengamin Disraeli

What we do not understand we do not possess. ― Goethe

What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?

What, me worry?

What boots it at one gate to make defence, And at another to let in the foe? ― John Milton, Samson Agonistes (l. 560)

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. ― Collis P. Huntingdon

When I said “we”, officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. ― Al Capone

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. ― Clarence Darrow

When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don Johnson/Miami Vice look. Now that I’m in my forties, though, it tends to make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. ― Tom Gray

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. ― Woody Allen

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you’re about to occupy, and driven out many infidels before you…you’re to cut them down and exterminate them. You’re to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy. [Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]

When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him ― that’s where the money is. ― Robespierre

When a fellow says, “It ain’t the money but the principle of the thing,” it’s the money. ― Kim Hubbard

When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID’s, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. ― Robert Heinlein

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. ― Robert Pirsig, “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

When asked, “If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United States, then why do you live here?” Mencken replied, “Why do men go to zoos?”

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle. ― Edmund Burke

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I’ve never tried before. ― Mae West

When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.

When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more months of work to do. ― C. Portman of ICL Ltd.

When in doubt, do what the President does ― guess.

When in doubt, lead trump.

When in doubt, punt.

When in doubt, use brute force. ― Ken Thompson

When love is gone, there’s always justice. And when justice is gone, there’s always force. And when force is gone, there’s always Mom. Hi, Mom! ― Laurie Anderson

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. ― Calvin Coolidge

When people thought the earth was flat, they were wrong. When people thought the earth was spherical, they were wrong. But if you think that thinking the earth is spherical is just as wrong as thinking the earth is flat, then your view is wronger than both of them put together. ― Isaac Asimov, “The Relativity of Wrong”, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 14 No. 1, Fall 1989

When someone says “I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,” give him a lollipop. ― Alan J. Perlis

When the government bureau’s remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.

When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. ― George Bernard Shaw

When we are ignorant of the answer to an important question, one way to proceed is to ask which path of inquiry promises best to facilitate learning. ― Timothy Ferris, “The Mind’s Sky: Human Intelligence in a Cosmic Context.”

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. ― Thomas Paine

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn’t find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have so few been led by so many. ― General James Gavin

When you are alone you are all your own. ― Leonardo da Vinci

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. ― Harry S Truman

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. ― The Wall Street Journal

Whenever anyone says, “theoretically”, they really mean, “not really”. ― Dave Parnas

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. ― Oscar Wilde

Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried ― Thomas Jefferson

Where humor is concerned there are no standards ― no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. ― John Kenneth Galbraith

Where is it written in the Constitution that you may take children from their parents, and parents from their children, and compel them to fight the battles of any war in which the folly or wickedness of government may engage it? ― Daniel Webster, 1814

Where there’s a will, there’s an Inheritance Tax.

Wherever you go, there you are. ― Buckaroo Banzai

Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back ― National Lampoon, “Deteriorada”

While Europe’s eye is fix’d on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. ― Robert Burns, Address on “The Rights of Woman”, November 26, 1792

While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

While most peoples’ opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.

While you don’t greatly need the outside world, it’s still very reassuring to know that it’s still there.

Whipit! Whipit good!

Whistler’s Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.

Who has more leisure than a worm? – Seneca

Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?

Who made the world I cannot tell; ‘Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. ― A. E. Housman

Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and masturbate?

Who works achieves and who sows reaps. ― Arab Proverb

Who’s on first?

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein. ― Book of Proverbs

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. ― Woody Allen, “Without Feathers”

Why does opportunity always knock at the least opportune moment?

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ― La Rochefoucauld

Why is it that there are so many more horses’ asses than there are horses? ― G. Gordon Liddy

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet? ― Lily Tomlin

Wiker’s Law: Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.

Wiker’s Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few? ― George W. Bush, Concord, NH; January 29, 2000

Williams and Holland’s Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can’t they just once build a nuclear balm?

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. ― Ransom K. Ferm

With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

With great effort, you move the rug aside, revealing a trap door.

Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe. ― Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac

Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.

Words are the voice of the heart.

Words must be weighed, not counted.

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. ― Steve Rubenstein

Wozencraft’s Law: If you make all of your plans on the assumption that a particular thing won’t happen―it will.

Writing code has a place in the human hierarchy worth somewhere above grave robbing and beneath managing. ― Gerald Weinberg

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.

Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed. ― Bob Gray

Writing programs needs genius to save the last order or the last millisecond. It is great fun, but it is a young man’s game. You start it with great enthusiasm when you first start programming, but after ten years you get a bit bored with it, and then you turn to automatic-programming languages and use them because they enable you to get to the heart of the problem that you want to do, instead of having to concentrate on the mechanics of getting the program going as fast as you possibly can, which is really nothing more than doing a sort of crossword puzzle. ― Christopher Strachey, 1962

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Xerox does it again and again and again and …

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

XML is just data with that Internet shit wrapped around it. ― Joe Romello, by way of Steve Sapovits

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Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

Yes, but which self do you want to be?

Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth…But in today’s technical vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different. ― The Firesign Theater

Yes, we have no bonanzas.

Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today ― I think he’s from the CIA.

Yield to Temptation … it may not pass your way again. ― Lazarus Long, “Time Enough for Love”

Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. ― Rich Hall, “Sniglets”

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. ― Al Capone

You can make it illegal, but you can’t make it unpopular.

You can measure a programmer’s perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. ― Alan Perlis

You can never get all the facts from just one newspaper, and unless you have all the facts, you cannot make proper judgements about what is going on. ― Harry S Truman

You can observe a lot just by watching. ― Yogi Berra

You can often profit from being at a loss for words. ― Frank Tyger

You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio’s heart. ― F. Allen

You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers. ― Steven Feiner

You can’t antagonize and influence at the same time.

You can’t carve your way to success without cutting remarks.

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You can’t get there from here.

You can’t have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families. ― Jim McCarthy

You can’t judge a book by the way it wears its hair.

You can’t start worrying about what’s going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what’s happening now. ― Lauren Bacall

You can’t teach self-esteem. Self-esteem arises from attempting challenging tasks and mastering them.

You can’t underestimate the power of fear. ― Tricia Nixon

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do. ― Henry Ford

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

You cannot succeed by criticizing others.

You couldn’t even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. ― Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

You don’t have to explain something you never said. ― Calvin Coolidge

You don’t have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. ― J. D. Salinger

You know, you really half give me a buzz. ― Stevie Ray Vaughan, “Honey Bee” (from “Couldn’t Stand the Weather”)

You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United States? Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment. Here, there is no such mobility. If you have the slightest bit of intellectual integrity you cannot support the government…. That’s why the best computer minds belong to the opposition. ― an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity

You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth. ― Nicklaus Wirth

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. ― Alfred Kahn

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. ― J. Wellington Wells

You see but you do not observe. ― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in “The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes”

You should emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. ― Henrick Ibson

You’re never too old to become younger. ― Mae West

Your attitude determines your attitude. ― Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus

Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.

Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

Your reality is lies and balderdash, and I’m glad to say that I have no grasp of it. ― Baron von Munchausen

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

Youth is the trustee of posterity.

Youth is wasted on the young. ― George Bernard Shaw

Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.

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Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line.

Zimmerman’s Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother’s father dad. ― William Shakespeare, “King John”

Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

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BONUS Qoutes


[In the U. S. Army] An officer does not take an oath of loyalty to the Commander-in-Chief. He takes an oath of loyalty to the Constitution. ― Sam Donaldson

[Leslie Stahl was] a pussy compared to Rather. ― George H. W. Bush

grep me no patterns and I’ll tell you no lines.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. ― H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced upon them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else. ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1919.

A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable. ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. ― H. L. Mencken

Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. ― H. L. Mencken, “Sententiae,” The Vintage Mencken, 1955.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. ― H. L. Mencken

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. ― H.L. Mencken

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. ― H. L. Mencken

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem — neat, plausible, and wrong. ― H. L. Mencken, “The Divine Afflatus” (16 November 1917)

Equality before the law is probably forever inattainable. It is a noble ideal, but it can never be realized, for what men value in this world is not rights but privileges. ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. ― H.L. Mencken, “Prejudices: Third Series”, 1922

For one American husband who maintains a chorus girl in Levantine luxury around the corner, there are hundreds who are as true to their oaths, year in and year out, as so many convicts in the deathhouse. ― H.L. Mencken, In Defense of Women, 1922.

I believe that religion, generally speaking, has been a curse to mankind―that its modest and greatly overestimated services on the ethical side have been more than overborne by the damage it has done to clear and honest thinking. ― H. L. Mencken, “Forum” (September, 1930)

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. ― H. L. Mencken

Judge: a law student who marks his own examination papers. ― H.L. Mencken, “Sententiae,” The Vintage Mencken, 1955

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. ― attributed to H. L. Mencken

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier. ― H.L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy, 1949.

My guess is that well over eighty per cent of the human race goes through life without ever having a single original thought. That is to say, they never think anything that has not been thought before, and by thousands. A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. The pressure of ideas would simply drive it frantic. ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

Never let your inferiors do you a favor. It will be extremely costly. ― H.L. Mencken, “Sententiae,” The Vintage Mencken, 1955.

No government is ever really in favor of so-called civil rights. It always tries to whittle them down. They are preserved under all governments, insofar as they survive at all, by special classes of fanatics, often highly dubious. ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. ― Attributed to H.L. Mencken.

Nowhere in the world is superiority more easily attained, or more eagerly admitted. The chief business of the nation, as a nation, is the setting up of heroes, mainly bogus. ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1923.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards. ― H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee’s anti-evolution law at the Scopes “Monkey Trial” in 1925.

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ― H. L. Mencken

Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful, who know when to play with it and when to let it alone. ― H. L. Mencken

Suppose two-thirds of the members of the national House of Representatives were dumped into the Washington garbage incinerator tomorrow, what would we lose to offset our gain of their salaries and the salaries of their parasites? ― H. L. Mencken, “Prejudices, Fourth Series” (1924)

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. ― H. L. Mencken

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. ― H.L. Mencken, “The Aesthetic Recoil,” American Mercury, July, 1931.

The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom even ordinarily respectable. No virtuous man―that is, virtuous in the YMCA sense―has ever painted a picture worth looking at, or written a symphony worth hearing, or a book worth reading, and it is highly improbable that the thing has ever been done by a virtuous woman. ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1919.

The highfalutin aims of democracy, whether real or imaginary, are always assumed to be identical with its achievements. This, of course, is sheer hallucination. Not one of those aims, not even the aim of giving every adult a vote, has been realized. It has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. ― H.L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy, 1949.

The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes ― that it leaves the field to theology or metaphysics, and confines itself to mere effects ― this notion has no support in the plain facts. If it could, science would explain the origin of life on earth at once ― and there is every reason to believe that it will do so on some not too remote tomorrow. To argue that gaps in knowledge which will confront the seeker must be filled, not by patient inquiry, but by intuition or revelation, is simply to give ignorance a gratuitous and preposterous dignity…. ― H. L. Mencken, 1930

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear―fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants beyond everything else is safety. ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1920.

The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of knowledge a serpent ― slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings. ― H. L. Mencken

There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable. ― H. L. Mencken, 1930

To sum up: 1. The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute. 2. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. 3. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride. ― H. L. Mencken, Coda from “Smart Set”, 1920

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize-fighters shaking hands. ― H. L. Mencken, “Sententiae,” The Vintage Mencken, 1955.

When A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a scoundrel. ― H. L. Mencken, “Newspaper Days: 1899-1906” (1941)

Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. ― H.L. Mencken, “Sententiae,” The Vintage Mencken, 1955.

From Fronto I learned to observe what envy, and duplicity, and hypocrisy are in a tyrant, and that generally those among us who are called Patricians are rather deficient in paternal affection. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book I

The time of a man’s life is as a point; the substance of it ever flowing, the sense obscure; and the whole composition of the body tending to corruption. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book II

That [life] which is longest of duration, and that which is shortest, both come to one effect. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book II

You must, therefore, hasten, not only because you are every day nearer to death, but also because your intellect, which enables you to know the true nature of things and to order all your actions by that knowledge, wastes and decays daily―or, may fail you before you die. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book II

Never esteem of anything as profitable, which shell ever constrain thee to break thy faith, or to lose thy modestroy; to hate any man, to suspect to curse, to dissemble, to lust after anything, that requireth the secret of walls or veils. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book III

He who prefers, before all things, his rational part and spirit… he shall never lament and exclaim; never sigh; he shall never want either solitude or company; and, which is chiefest of all, he shall live without either desire or fear. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book III

Let no act be done without a purpose, nor otherwise than according to the perfect principles of art. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Take away your opinion, and you then take away the complaint, “I have been harmed.” Take away the complaint, “I have been harmed,” and the harm is taken away. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Many grains of frankincense on the same altar: one falls before, another falls after; but it makes no difference. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only to what he does himself, that it may be just and pure. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Everything which is in any way beautiful is beautiful in itself, and terminates in itself, not having praise as part of itself. Neither worse, then, nor better is a thing made by being praised. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

The words which were formerly familiar are now antiquated: so also the names of those who were famed of old, are now in a manner antiquated… For all things soon pass away and become a mere tale, and complete oblivion soon buries them. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Everything is only for a day, both that which remembers and that which is remembered. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Thou art a little soul bearing about a corpse, as Epictetus used to say. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

Be like the promontory against which the waves continually break, but it stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IV

How easy it is to repel and to wipe away every impression which is troublesome or unsuitable, and immediately to be in all tranquility. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book V

To seek what is impossible is madness: and it is impossible that the bad should not do something of this kind. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book V

The best way of avenging yourself is not to become like the wrong-doer. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book VI

If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth by which no man was ever injured. But he is injured who abides in his error and ignorance. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book VI

Let not future things disturb you, for you will come to them, if it shall be necessary, having with you the same reason which you now use for present things. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book VII

Receive wealth or prosperity without arrogance; and be ready to let it go. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book VIII

He often acts unjustly who does not do a certain thing; not only he who does a certain thing. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IX

It is your duty to leave another man’s wrongful act there, where it is. ― Marcus Aurelius, “The Meditations”, Book IX

America is a ball of Appalachia with a thin coating of civility. ― Rich Simons

American justice is measured by the amount of money you are willing to risk to make your point. ― Rich Simons

America has become a tired old whore, selling her institutions like back alley blowjobs to fat cat businessmen for their pocket change. ― Rich Simons

But in the end I remind myself that people are merely shaved apes, and pretty much spend their time masturbating and throwing feces. ― Rich Simons

I am waiting for the “Internet Beermeister,” so hackers can wage a “Denial of Cerveza” attack. ― Rich Simons

Money doesn’t stretch―if somebody makes a killing, somebody else loses his shirt. ― Rich Simons

Never work anywhere where you can’t find the guy in charge and break his nose. ― Rich Simons

Nothing is more dangerous than a man whose actions are the responsibility of his deity. ― Rich Simons

Some people hold their noses when used as toilet paper by the shadowy overlords; some people inhale the heady aroma with gusto. ― Rich Simons

Those who sacrifice liberty for the sake of safety deserve neither, but those who sacrifice creativity for safety end up with a velvet painting of Elvis. ― Rich Simons

Windows is a manifestation of commerce; Unix is a manifestation of culture. ― Rich Simons

Working in Windows is like baking moose shit pie. Sure, you’re baking pies, but look what’s in ’em. ― Rich Simons

I prefer the company of men without ovaries. ― Rich Simons

The American business executive resembles the Ferengi more each day. In another 20 years, there will be dorm rooms full of toothless hillbillies at the Amazon fulfillment centers and the Walmarts. ― Rich Simons

Be cautious of those who give you advice. That’s my advice to you. ― Steve Mayr

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Sounds like a plan. ― Steve Mayr

If you take the easy way out, nothing will come easy. ― Steve Mayr

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. ― George Carlin

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ― George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. ― George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. ― George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ― George Carlin

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ― George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. ― George Carlin

If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter. ― George Carlin

If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed. ― George Carlin

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. ― George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” ― George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ― George Carlin

American justice is measured by the amount of money you are willing to risk to make your point. ― Rich Simons

America has become a tired old whore, selling her institutions like back alley blowjobs to fat cat businessmen for their pocket change. ― Rich Simons

But in the end I remind myself that people are merely shaved apes, and pretty much spend their time masturbating and throwing feces. ― Rich Simons

Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I’m concerned ― I support your right to enjoy it. However, I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination. ― Frank Zappa, “The Real Frank Zappa Book”

Don’t eat yellow snow. ― Frank Zappa

Hey, you know something, people? I’m not black, but there’s a whole lot of times I wish I could say I’m not white. ― Frank Zappa

I never set out to be weird. It was always other people who called me weird. ― Frank Zappa

I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. ― Frank Zappa

If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mother, your Dad, your priest, to some guy on television, to any of the people telling you how to do your shit, then you *deserve* it. If you want to be a schmuck, be a schmuck ― but don’t wait around for respect from other people ― a schmuck is a schmuck. ― Frank Zappa, “The Real Frank Zappa Book”

In the future, etiquette will become more and more important. That doesn’t mean knowing which fork to pick up ― I mean basic consideration for the rights of other animals (human beings included) and the willingness, whenever practical, to tolerate the other guy’s idiosyncrasies. ― Frank Zappa, “The Real Frank Zappa Book”

Is that a real poncho? I mean, is that a Mexican poncho or a Sears poncho? Hmmm… No fooling. ― Frank Zappa, “Camarillo Brillo”

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. ― Frank Zappa

Modern Americans behave as if intelligence were some sort of hideous deformity. ― Frank Zappa

Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for the people who can’t read. ― Frank Zappa

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can. ― Frank Zappa

Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best. ― Frank Zappa

Remember, there’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. ― Frank Zappa

Take the Kama Sutra. How many people died from the Kama Sutra as opposed to the Bible? Who wins? ― Frank Zappa

The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has a medieval aroma, like the days when everything used to sound like that. Some people crave baseball…I find this unfathomable, but I can easily understand why a person could get excited about playing the bassoon. ― Frank Zappa

The Book says BURN and DESTROY repent and redeem and revenge and deploy and rumble thee forth to the land of the unbelieving scum ’cause they don’t go for what’s in the Book and that makes ’em BAD. ― Frank Zappa

The computer can’t tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what’s missing is the eyebrows. ― Frank Zappa

The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, “All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions.” ― Frank Zappa

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. ― Frank Zappa

There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful, that it’s going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it. ― Frank Zappa

Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit. ― Randall Munroe, xkcd

There’s no such thing as bad language. I don’t believe that any more. That’s ridiculous. They call it a “debasing of the language?” No! We are adults. These are the words that WE use, to express frustration, rage, anger―in order that we don’t pick up a tire iron and beat the shit out of someone. ― Lewis Black

I don’t know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself. ― Lewis Black

There is a big difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that is, the New Testament God is kind of a great guy (He is!), especially when you compare him to the Old Testament God, who is a prick. ― Lewis Black

The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we’re up to and shits all over it. ― Lewis Black

[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I’ll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. ‘Kay, you don’t get any more immobile than that… unless you’re in a goddamn coma. That means you’re saying, “I’d go to the window, but it’s too far.” If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank. ― Lewis Black

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually… start to gag. ― Lewis Black

You don’t want another Enron? Here’s the law: If you have a company, and it can’t explain, in one sentence… what it does… it’s illegal! ― Lewis Black

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless. ― Lewis Black

If mzero doesn’t need to be a single, unambiguous value, then the algebra of monads would seem to be a bit hinky. ― A tweet from @djspiewak (Daniel J. Spiewak)

A monad is just a monoid in the category of endofunctors, what’s the problem? ― Saunders Mac Lane, filtered through James Iry

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. ― Confucius

Rotten wood cannot be carved. ― Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Chapter 9)

Men’s natures are alike. It is their habits that carry them far apart. ― Confucius

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do. ― Confucius

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. ― Confucius

We like to think we spend most of our time power-typing. “I’m being productive, I’m writing programs!” But, we don’t. We spend most of our time looking into the abyss, saying, “My God, what have I done?” ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011

“That hardly ever happens” is another way of saying, “It happens”. ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011

I used to think everyone should learn programming. When I first starting programming…I thought, “Wow, this is such an amazing way to organize information! Everybody should learn to do this!” I don’t think that any more. I think there has to be something seriously wrong with you, in order to do this work. A normal person, once they’ve looked into the abyss, will say, “I’m done. This is stupid. I’m going to go to something else.” But not us, ’cause there’s something really wrong with us. ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011

Confusion must be avoided. Confusion is the enemy. Confusion is what causes bugs and security mishaps and all the other things that make us miserable. ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011

Write [code] in a way that clearly communicates your intent. ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011

Geriatric Relativity: The observation that time goes faster the older you get. ― Brian M. Clapper

Critical thinking is the antidote to gullibility and credulity, which explains why politicians aren’t fond of critical thinking. ― Brian M. Clapper

The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive. ― Sam Harris, Letter to a Christian Nation

Man is manifestly not the measure of all things. This universe is shot through with mystery. The very fact of its being, and of our own, is a mystery absolute, and the only miracle worthy of the name. ― Sam Harris, “The End of Faith”

What is so unnerving about the candidacy of Sarah Palin is the degree to which she represents—and her supporters celebrate—the joyful marriage of confidence and ignorance . . . Ask yourself: how has “elitism” become a bad word in American politics? There is simply no other walk of life in which extraordinary talent and rigorous training are denigrated. We want elite pilots to fly our planes, elite troops to undertake our most critical missions, elite athletes to represent us in competition and elite scientists to devote the most productive years of their lives to curing our diseases. And yet, when it comes time to vest people with even greater responsibilities, we consider it a virtue to shun any and all standards of excellence. When it comes to choosing the people whose thoughts and actions will decide the fates of millions, then we suddenly want someone just like us, someone fit to have a beer with, someone down-to-earth—in fact, almost anyone, provided that he or she doesn’t seem too intelligent or well educated. ― Sam Harris

Unreason is now ascendant in the United States—in our schools, in our courts, and in each branch of the federal government. ― Sam Harris, “The Politics of Ignorance” (2005)

The point at which we fully acquire our humanity, and our capacity to suffer, remains an open question, but anyone who would dogmatically insist that these traits must arise coincident with the moment of conception has nothing to contribute, apart from his ignorance, to this debate. ― Sam Harris Water is two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. This seems as value-free an utterance as human beings ever make. But what do we do when someone doubts the truth of this proposition? Ok, all we can do is appeal to scientific values. The value of understanding the world. The value of evidence. The value of logical consistency. What if someone says, “Well, that’s not how I choose to think about water. Ok, what can we say to such a person? Ok, all we can do is appeal to scientific values. And if he doesn’t share those values, the conversation is over. Ok, if someone doesn’t value evidence, what evidence are you going to provide to prove that they should value it? If someone doesn’t value logic, what logical argument could you provide to show the importance of logic? ― Sam Harris, during a Notre Dame debate with William Lane Craig

I love living in the future. ― Bill Cheswick

Sendmail(8) proved that if you polish a turd long enough, you may eventually end up with a shiny coprolite. ― Bill Cheswick

Angels we have heard on High/Tell us to go out and Buy. ― Tom Lehrer

The Army has carried the American … ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. ― Tom Lehrer

If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. ― Tom Lehrer

I’m not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn’t figure out what sort of song I would write. That’s the problem: I don’t want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. ― Tom Lehrer (2003)

I basically like “comments,” though they can seem a little jarring: spit- flecked rants that are appended to a product that at least tries for a measure of objectivity and dignity. It’s as though when you order a sirloin steak, it comes with a side of maggots. ― Gene Weingarten, Pulitzer Prize-winning Washington Post columnist

I disagree with those who suggest that we permanently close down the U.S. mail on the grounds that it can kill you. That is sheer hysteria. I think we should permanently close down the U.S. mail on the grounds that it has been making us sick for quite a while. ― Gene Weingarten, Pulitzer Prize-winning Washington Post columnist

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. ― Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what’s so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what’s so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get THERE. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. ― Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea … ― Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. ― “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, Douglas Adams

Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space. ― “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

The word “spine” is, of course, an anagram of “penis”. This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about “standing erect”. ― Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. ― Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

With a rubber duck, one’s never alone. ― “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it. ― Madeleine L’Engle

That’s the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they’ve been all along. ― Madeleine L’Engle

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable. ― Madeleine L’Engle

Because you’re not what I would have you be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are. ― Madeleine L’Engle

A good photograph is knowing where to stand. ― Ansel Adams

A photograph is usually looked at – seldom looked into. ― Ansel Adams

A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words. ― Ansel Adams

Dodging and burning are steps to take care of mistakes God made in establishing tonal relationships. ― Ansel Adams

In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of exploration. ― Ansel Adams

These people live again in print as intensely as when their images were captured on old dry plates of sixty years ago… I am walking in their alleys, standing in their rooms and sheds and workshops, looking in and out of their windows. Any they in turn seem to be aware of me. ― Ansel Adams

When I’m ready to make a photograph, I think I quite obviously see in my minds eye something that is not literally there in the true meaning of the word. I’m interested in something which is built up from within, rather than just extracted from without. ― Ansel Adams When in doubt, tell the truth. ― Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. ― Mark Twain

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. ― Mark Twain

[He was] a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. ― Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ― Mark Twain

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ― Mark Twain

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. ― Mark Twain

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. ― Mark Twain, “The Innocents Abroad”

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. ― Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. ― Mark Twain

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. ― Mark Twain

It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races. ― Mark Twain

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. ― Mark Twain

Man is the only animal that blushes ― or needs to. ― Mark Twain

My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got. ― Mark Twain

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. ― Mark Twain

It could probably be shown, by facts and figures, that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress. ― Mark Twain

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. ― Mark Twain

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. ― Mark Twain

They spell it “da Vinci” and pronounce it “da Vinchy”. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. ― Mark Twain

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. ― Mark Twain

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. ― Mark Twain

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. ― Mark Twain

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of the Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. ― Mark Twain in “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. ― Mark Twain in “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. ― Mark Twain

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. ― Mark Twain

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. ― Mark Twain

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. ― Mark Twain

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. ― Mark Twain

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? ― Mark Twain

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. ― Mark Twain

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. ― Mark Twain

I can live for two months on a good compliment. ― Mark Twain

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. ― Mark Twain

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. ― Mark Twain

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. ― Mark Twain

Prosperity is the best protector of principle. ― Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ― Mark Twain

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. ― Mark Twain

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. ― Mark Twain

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. ― Mark Twain

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. ― Mark Twain

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so. ― Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy. ― Mark Twain

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. ― Mark Twain

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. ― Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ― Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. ― Mark Twain

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. ― Mark Twain

[Silvio Berlusconi] is so thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles, an angel gets gonorrhea. ― Dylan Moran

[Adulthood] feels like … walking around in a desert, with a bag over your head, bumping into people who rob you as they bore you. ― Dylan Moran

Tequila isn’t even a drink. It’s just a way of getting the police round, without using the phone. ― Dylan Moran

I basically think I’m what would’ve happened if James Dean had lived, and discovered carbohydrates and orthopedic shoes. ― Dylan Moran

When did ignorance become a point of view? ― Dilbert (Scott Adams)

There’s no kill switch on awesome. ― Dilbert (Scott Adams)

You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. ― Walter to The Dude (“The Big Lebowski”)

Hey, careful, man, there’s a beverage here! ― The Dude (“The Big Lebowski”)

“The Dude abides.” I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals. ― The Stranger (“The Big Lebowski”)

We’ve bought into the idea that education is about training and “success”, defined monetarily, rather than learning to think critically and to challenge. We should not forget that the true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers. A culture that does not grasp the vital interplay between morality and power, which mistakes management techniques for wisdom, which fails to understand that the measure of a civilization is its compassion, not its speed or ability to consume, condemns itself to death. ― Chris Hedges, “Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle”

Inverted totalitarianism, unlike classical totalitarianism, does not revolve around a demagogue or charismatic leader. It finds expression in the anonymity of the Corporate State. It purports to cherish democracy, patriotism, and the Constitution while manipulating internal levers. ― Chris Hedges, “Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle”

Washington has become our Versailles. We are ruled, entertained, and informed by courtiers―and the media has evolved into a class of courtiers. The Democrats, like the Republicans, are mostly courtiers. Our pundits and experts, at least those with prominent public platforms, are courtiers. We are captivated by the hollow stagecraft of political theater as we are ruthlessly stripped of power. It is smoke and mirrors, tricks and con games, and the purpose behind it is deception. ― Chris Hedges, “Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle”

The split in America, rather than simply economic, is between those who embrace reason, who function in the real world of cause and effect, and those who, numbed by isolation and despair, now seek meaning in a mythical world of intuition, a world that is no longer reality-based, a world of magic. ― Chris Hedges, American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War On America

Hope has a cost. Hope is not comfortable or easy. Hope requires personal risk. It is not about the right attitude. Hope is not about peace of mind. Hope is action. Hope is doing something. The more futile, the more useless, the more irrelevant and incomprehensible an act of rebellion is, the vaster and more potent hope becomes. Hope never makes sense. Hope is weak, unorganized and absurd. Hope, which is always nonviolent, exposes in its powerlessness, the lies, fraud and coercion employed by the state. Hope knows that an injustice visited on our neighbor is an injustice visited on all of us. Hope posits that people are drawn to the good by the good. This is the secret of hope’s power. Hope demands for others what we demand for ourselves. Hope does not separate us from them. Hope sees in our enemy our own face. ― Chris Hedges

Racism towards Muslims is as evil as anti-Semitism, but try to express this simple truth on a partisan Palestinian or Israeli website. ― Chris Hedges, Death of the Liberal Class

A society without the means to detect lies and theft soon squanders its liberty and freedom. ― Chris Hedges

Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who’s in power has any plan at all. ― xkcd #1081 (mouseover text)

A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) ― Dave Barry

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. ― Dave Barry

Styling mousse, which is gunk that looks like shaving cream … was invented by a French hair professional whom, if you met him, you would want to punch directly in the mouth. ― Dave Barry

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: “passive” systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and “active” systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors’ homes, too. ― Dave Barry, “Postpetroleum Guzzler”

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ― Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. ― Dave Barry

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. ― Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ― Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. ― Dave Barry

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. ― Albert Einstein

Imagination is more important than knowledge. ― Albert Einstein

If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ― Albert Einstein

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. ― Albert Einstein

The tyranny of the ignoramuses is insurmountable and assured for all time. ― Albert Einstein

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. ― Albert Einstein

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it is an enemy. ― A. Einstein

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. ― Albert Einstein

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it. ― Albert Einstein, as quoted by Virgil Henshaw in “Albert Einstein: Philosopher Scientist” (1949)

The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge. ― Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. ― Albert Einstein

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. ― Albert Einstein

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. ― Albert Einstein

The only real valuable thing is intuition. ― Albert Einstein

God may be subtle, but He isn’t plain mean. ― Albert Einstein

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. ― Albert Einstein

Dear Posterity, If you have not become more just, more peaceful, and generally more rational than we are (or were) ― why then, the Devil take you. ― Albert Einstein, message for a time capsule

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. ― Albert Einstein

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. ― Albert Einstein

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. ― Albert Einstein

An autocratic system of coercion, in my opinion, soon degenerates. For force always attracts men of low morality, and I believe it to be an invariable rule that tyrants of genius are succeeded by scoundrels. ― Albert Einstein, The World As I See It (1931)

“If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.” ― Albert Einstein

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” ― Albert Einstein

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. ― Albert Einstein

All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded the individual. ― Albert Einstein

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. ― Albert Einstein

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex… It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. ― Albert Einstein

As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue. ― Albert Einstein

Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and equations. ― Albert Einstein

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. ― Albert Einstein

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. ― Albert Einstein

Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted. ― Albert Einstein

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. ― Albert Einstein

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice. ― Albert Einstein

I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity. ― Albert Einstein

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough. ― Albert Einstein

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns…behind his ears. I think he’s weird because he wears false teeth…with braces on them. ― Steven Wright

I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys…and the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live. I said, “Here.” ― Steven Wright

I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died. ― Steven Wright

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: “Wish you were here”. ― Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ― Steven Wright

You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that’s how I feel all the time. ― Steven Wright

I’m making wine at home, but I make it out of raisins, so it’ll be aged automatically. ― Steven Wright

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see ’em at the beach. Pisses me off. ― Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be, if that didn’t happen. ― Steven Wright

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. ― Steven Wright

I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, “Happy birthday.” ― Steven Wright

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? ― Steven Wright

Once I stayed in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn’t believe how deep it was. ― Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. ― Steven Wright

What’s another word for, “thesaurus?” ― Steven Wright

Whenever I think about the past, it’s just bring back so many memories. ― Steven Wright

Once I was walking through the woods, and I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle, making shadows of people on a tree. I said, “Don’t be so sarcastic.” ― Steven Wright

I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side. ― Steven Wright

It’s hard for me to buy clothes, ’cause I’m not my size. ― Steven Wright

Small keyboards make for big mistakes. ― Joe Gunn

The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world. ― Leonard Cohen

Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash. ― Leonard Cohen

Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as a secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh. ― Leonard Cohen, The Favorite Game

I don’t consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin.” ― Leonard Cohen

The older I get, the surer I am that I’m not running the show. ― Leonard Cohen

Deprivation is the mother of poetry. ― Leonard Cohen, The Favorite Game

We are so lightly here. It is in love that we are made. In love we disappear. ― Leonard Cohen

There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. ― Leonard Cohen, Selected Poems, 1956-1968

This is a broken world, and we live with broken hearts and broken lives, but still that is no alibi for anything. On the contrary, you have to stand up and say, “Hallelujah,” under those circumstances. ― Leonard Cohen

A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot. — Randall Munroe (xkcd #1173)

Among the many invectives I invent when people piss me off, this is my current favorite: ‘Fuck yer own throat, you piss-dribbling monkey dick!’ I’m hoping it catches on with you folks. — Jon Miller, a.k.a., Doc Spender

“Well, vegans, as you know, don’t have eggs, meat, dairy, or senses of humor.” — Peter Sagal, on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” (21 Sep, 2013)

Walk lightly through life. ~Guy Finley

Things sweet the taste prove in digestion sour. ~William Shakespeare, King Richard the Second, 1595

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? ~Abraham Lincoln

Be true to your word and your work and your friend… ~John Boyle O’Reilly, from the poem “Rules of the Road”

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,” he used to say. “You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien, “Three Is Company,” The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 1954

There are two kinds of light – the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. ~James Thurber

It is not enough to be industrious; so are the ants. What are you industrious about? ~Henry David Thoreau, letter to H.G.O. Blake, 16 November 1857

Spread joy. Chase your wildest dreams. ~Patch Adams

Don’t get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny. ~Kathryn Carpenter

Never undertake anything for which you wouldn’t have the courage to ask the blessings of heaven. ~G.C. Lichtenberg

Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. ~Lao Tzu

We must have passed through life unobservantly, if we have never perceived that a man is very much himself what he thinks of others. ~Frederick W. Faber

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it. ~Stanislaw Lec

Watch the little things; a small leak will sink a great ship. ~Benjamin Franklin

The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away. ~Author Unknown

No armies are needed, no weapons are needed, no nations are needed, no religions are needed. All that is needed is a little meditativeness, a little silence, a little love, a little more humanity… just a little more, and existence will become fragrant with something so totally unique and new that you will have to find a new category for it. ~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Don’t despise empiric truth. Lots of things work in practice for which the laboratory has never found proof. ~Martin H. Fischer

Is bread the better for kneading? so is the heart. Knead it then by spiritual exercises; or God must knead it by afflictions. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

The best way to predict your future is to create it. ~Author unknown, variant of “The future cannot be predicted, but futures can be invented” by Dennis Gabor, Inventing the Future, 1963, and “The best way to predict the future is to invent it” by Alan Kay, 1982

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was. ~Irish Proverb

Beware of a man of one book. ~English Proverb

Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You’ll find what you need to furnish it – memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey. ~Tad Williams

It is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards. ~Baltasar Gracián, translated from Spanish

It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed. ~Horace

Leaves are light, and useless, and idle, and wavering, and changeable; they even dance; and yet God in his wisdom has made them a part of oaks. And in so doing he has given us a lesson, not to deny the stout-heartedness within because we see the lightsomeness without. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone. ~Henry David Thoreau

Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~Swedish Proverb

Better to be furious at one thing, become radiant with purpose. Better to love links and rhythms than all-embracing answers. ~Stephen Dunn

The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. ~Thomas Edison

I try not to kid myself. You know, I don’t mind romancing someone else, but to fool yourself is pretty devastating and dangerous. ~Bill Veeck

You can’t truthfully explain your smallest action without fully revealing your character. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

It’s all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. ~Mick Jagger

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. ~Author Unknown

There is often less danger in the things we fear than in the things we desire. ~John C. Collins

Our future depends on many things, but mostly on you. ~Frank Tyger

Follow the seasons. Follow your heart. Lead by example. Lead with love, alongside simplicity and courage, embracing duty, shunning fear. ~Terri Guillemets

Dig the well before you are thirsty. ~Chinese Proverb

Friends and neighbors complain that taxes are indeed very heavy, and if those laid on by the government were the only ones we had to pay, we might the more easily discharge them; but we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are taxed twice as much by our idleness, three times as much by our pride, and four times as much by our folly. ~Benjamin Franklin

Be nice to those you meet on the way up. They’re the same folks you’ll meet on the way down. ~Walter Winchell, 1932

When you throw dirt, you lose ground. ~Texan Proverb

The great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up. ~Albert Schweitzer

Everyone should learn to do one thing supremely well because he likes it, and one thing supremely well because he detests it. ~Brigham Young

Sometimes the only way you can take a really good look at yourself is through somebody else’s eyes. ~From the television show Scrubs

Sometimes the best way to hold onto something is to let it go. ~Author Unknown

It isn’t what you know that counts, it’s what you think of in time. ~Author Unknown

The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show. ~Author Unknown

For visions come not to polluted eyes. ~Mary Howitt

Speak what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon-balls and to-tomorrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Remedy it, or welcome it: a wise man’s only two choices. ~Terri Guillemets

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. ~Chinese Proverb

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you’re the easiest person to fool. ~Richard Feynman

Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk. ~Joaquin de Setanti

God is good, but never dance in a small boat. ~Irish Saying

It is better to stir up a question without deciding it, than to decide it without stirring it up. ~Joseph Joubert

Sandwich every bit of criticism between two thick layers of praise. ~Mary Kay Ash

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes


I used to believe that anything was better than nothing. Now I know that sometimes nothing is better. ~Glenda Jackson

Honesty pays, but it don’t seem to pay enough to suit some people. ~Frank McKinney “Kin” Hubbard

A little candor never leaves me. It is what protects me. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

It is not difficult to deceive the first time, for the deceived possesses no antibodies; unvaccinated by suspicion, she overlooks lateness, accepts absurd excuses, permits the flimsiest patching to repair great rents in the quotidian. ~John Updike

No mask like open truth to cover lies,
As to go naked is the best disguise.
~William Congreve

Truth that is naked is the most beautiful, and the simpler its expression the deeper is the impression it makes; this is partly because it gets unobstructed hold of the hearer’s mind without his being distracted by secondary thoughts, and partly because he feels that here he is not being corrupted or deceived by the arts of rhetoric, but that the whole effect is got from the thing itself. ~Arthur Schopenhauer, translated from German

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain’t so. ~Mark Twain, Notebook, 1935

Reality is bad enough. Why should I tell the truth? ~Patrick Sky

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. ~Slovenian Proverb

Always tell the truth. Even if you have to make it up. ~Author Unknown

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. ~Adlai Stevenson

The truth is the only thing worth having, and, in a civilized life, like ours, where so many risks are removed, facing it is almost the only courageous thing left to do. ~E.V. Lucas

The highest compact we can make with our fellow is – “Let there be truth between us two forevermore.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. ~Oscar Wilde

The truth needs so little rehearsal. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. ~Mark Twain

Society can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks. ~Lin Yutang

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. ~Saki

Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships. ~Author Unknown

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. ~Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook. ~Groucho Marx

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. ~Mark Twain

Success will never be a big step in the future, success is a small step taken just now. ~Jonatan Mårtensson

Some people succeed because they are destined to, but most people succeed because they are determined to. ~Author Unknown

Flaming enthusiasm, backed up by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success. ~Dale Carnegie

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to success is more important than any other one thing. ~Abraham Lincoln

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. ~Dale Carnegie

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. ~Booker T. Washington

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. ~George Smith Patton

It is wise to keep in mind that no success or failure is necessarily final. ~Author Unknown

How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten? ~Logan Smith

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. ~Quentin Crisp

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. ~Albert Einstein

Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won’t taste good. ~Joe Paterno

If at first you don’t succeed, do it like your mother told you. ~Author Unknown

Eighty percent of success is showing up. ~Woody Allen

I don’t pay good wages because I have a lot of money; I have a lot of money because I pay good wages. ~Robert Bosch

Royals and dictators are the most stupid creatures of the universe Albert Einstein.

Men err when they think they can be inhuman exploiters in their business life, and loving husbands and fathers at home. ~Smiley Blanton

Let’s be honest. There’s not a business anywhere that is without problems. Business is complicated and imperfect. Every business everywhere is staffed with imperfect human beings and exists by providing a product or service to other imperfect human beings. ~Bob Parsons

Successful enterprises are usually led by a proven chief executive who is a competent benevolent dictator. ~Richard Pratt

The man who will use his skill and constructive imagination to see how much he can give for a dollar, instead of how little he can give for a dollar, is bound to succeed. ~Henry Ford

Success and failure. We think of them as opposites, but they’re really not. They’re companions – the hero and the sidekick. ~Laurence Shames

To find someone who will love you through success and failure is to discover how little life has to do with either. ~Robert Brault

The man who has done his level best, and who is conscious that he has done his best, is a success, even though the world may write him down as a failure. ~B.C. Forbes

Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. ~Al Bernstein

The NBA is never just a business. It’s always business. It’s always personal. All good businesses are personal. The best businesses are very personal. ~Mark Cuban

It is an immutable law in business that words are words, explanations are explanations, promises are promises but only performance is reality. ~Harold Geneen

You can’t file a conversation. ~Author Unknown

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. ~Winston Churchill

What is success? It is a toy balloon among children armed with pins. ~Gene Fowler

We never know, believe me, when we have succeeded best. ~Miguel de Unamuno, Essays and Soliloquies, 1925

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. ~Lily Tomlin

I couldn’t wait for success… so I went ahead without it. ~Jonathan Winters

There is no point at which you can say, “Well, I’m successful now. I might as well take a nap.” ~Carrie Fisher

Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally. ~David Frost

Some people dream of success… while others wake up and work hard at it. ~Author Unknown

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. ~Jay Leno

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. ~Confucius

It is unfortunate we can’t buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth. ~Malcolm Forbes

Too many people think only of their own profit. But business opportunity seldom knocks on the door of self-centered people. No customer ever goes to a store merely to please the storekeeper. ~Kazuo Inamori

A man of business may talk of philosophy; a man who has none may practise it. ~Alexander Pope, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1727

Government in the U.S. today is a senior partner in every business in the country. ~Norman Cousins

Work as if you own the company and soon you just might. ~Mike Dolan,

To take something from a person and keep it for oneself: that is robbery. To take something from one person and then turn it over to another in exchange for as much money as you can get: that is business. Robbery is so much more stupid, since it is satisfied with a single, frequently dangerous profit; whereas in business it can be doubled without danger. ~Octave Mirbeau, Torture Garden

As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average. ~M.H. Alderson

Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business. Yes, and that is also true if you are a housewife, architect or engineer. ~Dale Carnegie

A consultant is a man sent in after the battle to bayonet the wounded. ~Author Unknown

The results of quality work last longer than the shock of high prices. ~Author Unknown

It doesn’t matter how many times you fail. It doesn’t matter how many times you almost get it right. No one is going to know or care about your failures, and neither should you. All you have to do is learn from them and those around you because… All that matters in business is that you get it right once. Then everyone can tell you how lucky you are. ~Mark Cuban

Smarts and action are on the same side of the equation where the sum is success. ~Garrett Hazel

Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it…. Success is shy – it won’t come out while you’re watching. ~Tennessee Williams

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. ~William Feather

There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way. ~Christopher Morley

How do you achieve success? Well, for one thing, you don’t define it before you achieve it. ~Robert Brault

To freely bloom – that is my definition of success. ~Gerry Spence

The toughest thing about success is that you’ve got to keep on being a success. ~Irving Berlin

Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Cynic’s World Book, 1906

You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. ~Joseph E. Levine

Professionalism is a frame of mind, not a paycheck. ~Cecil Castle

In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry. ~Dave Barry

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in man. ~Author Unknown

Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions. ~Edward R. Murrow

Make the workmanship surpass the materials. ~Ovid

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. ~Howard Scott

The executive exists to make sensible exceptions to general rules. ~Elting E. Morison

There are so many men who can figure costs, and so few who can measure values. ~Author Unknown

For all of its faults, it gives most hardworking people a chance to improve themselves economically, even as the deck is stacked in favor of the privileged few. Here are the choices most of us face in such a system: Get bitter or get busy. ~Bill O’Reilly, about capitalism

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. ~Bill Gates, Business @ the Speed of Thought

People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please. ~Will Rogers

To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart. ~Thomas Watson, Sr.

In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later. ~Harold Geneen

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. ~Henry Ford

Business is a combination of war and sport. ~André Maurois

The absolute fundamental aim is to make money out of satisfying customers. ~John Egan

Wise are those who learn that the bottom line doesn’t always have to be their top priority. ~William Arthur Ward

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

It is not the employer who pays the wages. He only handles the money. It is the product that pays the wages. ~Henry Ford, 1922, also sometimes quoted as “It is the customer that pays the wages”

Hire character. Train skill. ~Peter Schutz

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction. ~Bessie Stanley, 1905, commonly misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time. ~Anthony J. D’Angelo, The College Blue Book

Always desire to learn something useful.

Well done is better than well said.
Benjamin Franklin

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. ~Henry Louis Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain

Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb

No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. ~Abraham Lincoln

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world. ~Thomas Carlyle

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie. ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

Every lie is two lies — the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it. ~Robert Brault,

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind. ~Austin O’Malley

A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. ~William Blake, “Auguries of Innocence”

The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. ~Aristotle

The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted. ~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby. ~George Herbert

With lies you may get ahead in the world – but you can never go back. ~Russian proverb

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain’t lawful tender for a loaf of bread. ~Josh Billings

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. ~Ambrose Bierce

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. ~Bill Copeland

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. ~Mark Twain

Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence. ~Lemuel K. Washburn, Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays, 1911

A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. ~Author Unknown

I never lie because I don’t fear anyone. You only lie when you’re afraid. ~John Gotti

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams

Truth fears no questions. ~Unknown

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth – anonymously and posthumously. ~Thomas Sowell

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson

I don’t mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy. ~Samuel Butler, Note-Books, 1912

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. ~George Bernard Shaw, 28 August 1896

Those who have succeeded at anything and don’t mention luck are kidding themselves. ~Larry King

Success has made failures of many men. ~Cindy Adams

Some aspects of success seem rather silly as death approaches. ~Donald A. Miller

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. ~Author Unknown

That man is successful who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Success is more permanent when you achieve it without destroying your principles. ~Walter Cronkite

The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success. ~Author Unknown

Pray that success will not come any faster than you are able to endure it. ~Elbert Hubbard

The moral flabbiness born of the bitch-goddess SUCCESS. That – with the squalid interpretation put on the word success – is our national disease. ~William James, 11 September 1906

The closer one gets to the top, the more one finds there is no “top.” ~Nancy Barcus

Something in human nature causes us to start slacking off at our moment of greatest accomplishment. As you become successful, you will need a great deal of self-discipline not to lose your sense of balance, humility, and commitment. ~Ross Perot

What will matter is not your success but your significance…. ~Michael Josephson, from “What Will Matter” (poem), 2003


Commerce, A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Cynic’s World Book, 1906

You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. ~Joseph E. Levine

Professionalism is a frame of mind, not a paycheck. ~Cecil Castle

In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry. ~Dave Barry

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in man. ~Author Unknown

Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions. ~Edward R. Murrow

Make the workmanship surpass the materials. ~Ovid

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. ~Howard Scott

The executive exists to make sensible exceptions to general rules. ~Elting E. Morison

There are so many men who can figure costs, and so few who can measure values. ~Author Unknown

For all of its faults, it gives most hardworking people a chance to improve themselves economically, even as the deck is stacked in favor of the privileged few. Here are the choices most of us face in such a system: Get bitter or get busy. ~Bill O’Reilly, about capitalism

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. ~Bill Gates, Business @ the Speed of Thought

People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please. ~Will Rogers

To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart. ~Thomas Watson, Sr.

In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later. ~Harold Geneen

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. ~Henry Ford

Business is a combination of war and sport. ~André Maurois

The absolute fundamental aim is to make money out of satisfying customers. ~John Egan

Wise are those who learn that the bottom line doesn’t always have to be their top priority. ~William Arthur Ward

It is not the employer who pays the wages. He only handles the money. It is the product that pays the wages. ~Henry Ford, 1922, also sometimes quoted as “It is the customer that pays the wages”

Hire character. Train skill. ~Peter Schutz

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction. ~Bessie Stanley, 1905, commonly misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time. ~Anthony J. D’Angelo, The College Blue Book

Always desire to learn something useful.

Well done is better than well said.
Benjamin Franklin

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. ~Henry Louis Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain

Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb

No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. ~Abraham Lincoln

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world. ~Thomas Carlyle

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie. ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

Every lie is two lies — the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it. ~Robert Brault,

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind. ~Austin O’Malley

A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. ~William Blake, “Auguries of Innocence”

The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. ~Aristotle

The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted. ~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby. ~George Herbert

With lies you may get ahead in the world – but you can never go back. ~Russian proverb

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain’t lawful tender for a loaf of bread. ~Josh Billings

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. ~Ambrose Bierce

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. ~Bill Copeland

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. ~Mark Twain

Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence. ~Lemuel K. Washburn, Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays, 1911

A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. ~Author Unknown

I never lie because I don’t fear anyone. You only lie when you’re afraid. ~John Gotti

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams

Truth fears no questions. ~Unknown

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth – anonymously and posthumously. ~Thomas Sowell

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson

I don’t mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy. ~Samuel Butler, Note-Books, 1912

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. ~George Bernard Shaw, 28 August 1896

Those who have succeeded at anything and don’t mention luck are kidding themselves. ~Larry King

Success has made failures of many men. ~Cindy Adams

Some aspects of success seem rather silly as death approaches. ~Donald A. Miller

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. ~Author Unknown


“Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.”

“Anchovies? You’ve got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER! (click)”

“Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.” ― Time Bandits

“Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before,” Bokonon tells us. “He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.” ― Kurt Vonnegut, “Cat’s Cradle”

“But I don’t like Spam!”

“But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?”

“Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.” ― Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Contrariwise,” continued Tweedledee, “if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic!” ― Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

“Creation science” has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage ― good teaching ― than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise? ― Stephen Jay Gould, “The Skeptical Inquirer”, Vol. 12, page 186

“Deep” is a word like “theory” or “semantic” ― it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It’s one thing to be able to say “I’ve got a theory”, quite another to say “I’ve got a semantic theory”, but, ah, those who can claim “I’ve got a deep semantic theory”, they are truly blessed. ― Randy Davis

“Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.”

“Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.” ― John Barrymore’s dying words

“Do not stop to ask what is it; Let us go and make our visit.” ― T. S. Eliot, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

“Do you have blacks, too?” ― George W. Bush, to Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso; Washington, D.C., November 8, 2001

“Don’t let your mouth write no check that your tail can’t cash.” ― Bo Diddley

“Don’t say yes until I finish talking.” ― Darryl F. Zanuck

“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”

“Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.” ― Jeff Berner

“Even the best of friends cannot attend each other’s funeral.” ― Kehlog Albran, “The Profit”

“Every time I think I know where it’s at, they move it.”

“Grub first, then ethics.” ― Bertolt Brecht

That man is successful who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Success is more permanent when you achieve it without destroying your principles. ~Walter Cronkite

The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success. ~Author Unknown

Pray that success will not come any faster than you are able to endure it. ~Elbert Hubbard

The moral flabbiness born of the bitch-goddess SUCCESS. That – with the squalid interpretation put on the word success – is our national disease. ~William James, 11 September 1906

The closer one gets to the top, the more one finds there is no “top.” ~Nancy Barcus

Something in human nature causes us to start slacking off at our moment of greatest accomplishment. As you become successful, you will need a great deal of self-discipline not to lose your sense of balance, humility, and commitment. ~Ross Perot

What will matter is not your success but your significance…. ~Michael Josephson, from “What Will Matter” (poem), 2003

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